Thanks to the unremitting efforts of two wives and a number of concerned girlfriends I have, over the years, become a fully domesticated man. I cook. I iron. I put the seat down out of pure reflex.
And I clean.
Yes, I clean the house. I have a wide variety of products and tools for floors, ceilings, window, toilets, and counter tops (I’m especially good on counter tops since I not only have cleaning spritzers in plain acid wash and foaming bleach blaster, I also have a compound that renews the polish once the sanitizing has been completed.) I am the very model of the modern major traife buster.
I am, however, a bit sketchy on floors. That is not to say you couldn’t eat off my floors. You could because you’d find a host of food shreds there on any given afternoon. This is not because I like floors configured as mouse buffets but only because, being 6’1”, the floors are so far away I don’t really focus on them. My solution? The world’s most rapacious vacuum cleaner, “The Kirby.”
Actually, I have 2 (two!) solutions since I own 2 (two!) vacuum cleaners. The first is a kind of cheap, plastic metrosexual’s vacuum bought at some box store because it was cheap. Like all metrosexual items, it performs in a manner that lets you know all cheap things are worth much less than you spent on them. It sucks by not sucking as a sucker of floor dirt should. Very sucky. It is, at the best, back-up. Bags and parts for it are sold everywhere.
Then there’s “The Kirby” weighing in are over twenty pounds of solid chromed steel, titanium bristles that can skin a black rhino, and a woven cloth bag wrapped around the vacuum bag that could be made into an outdoor area rug. The motor in this bad boy is so powerful it can suck kittens out of my basement through the floorboards in the living room. It is the chopped Harley Hog of vacuums.
The bags for this hoovering T-Rex are built to blast stresses and are rare as dinosaur eggs. Finding them always calls for an expedition to a far-away strip malls and into some Norwegian albino's small appliance parts shop sandwiched between a sketchy Malaysian smoke shop and a lap-dance rec room. It’s a chore.
So much of a chore that when The Kirby’s bag filled up about six months back I was too lazy to pack a lunch and go find new ones. My solution? Pure genius!
I took out the old bag which was almost rock solid with dust mites, hair, and the bones of desiccated kittens and, holding it over the toxic waste recycling bin behind the garage, cut the bottom open and shook the contents into the bin. Then, because there is nothing it cannot do, I duct-taped the bottom of the bag and slapped it back in The Kirby.
“There. I fixed it.”
Fast forward half a year and I am found manhandling The Kirby over the current mouse buffet and noticing that for a super-sucker its sucking sucks. So I say to myself, “Self, check it out.”
I open the military gauge zipper on the back of the bag and instantly a fibrous tumor of hair and dust mites oozes out. I retreat and don Haz-Mat suit. I inspect the superfund site that is my kitchen.
It would seem that my duct-tape resealing of the bag had, well, failed to hold the bag’s universe together some months back and that all creatures great and small that had been sucked off my floors was now compressed into a hair ball that threatened to expand into all of known space.
Seeing everything that has come off your floors in the last six months in one wad is a unique experience but I resisted the urge to perform an archeological dig on the site. Instead, I deployed a very large garbage back and, grimacing, transferred the dust mite condo from the bag into the bag. It was only the beginning.
Upon inspection of the inside of The Kirby’s bag I found that at least an inch of detritus was still impacted into the cloth on all surfaces. I scraped at it a bit but the dust cloud just deepened around me and drifted out onto the previously pristine floors. Disaster loomed. Then I remembered.
“I own two vacuums. I shall vacuum this vacuum with a vacuum!” Sooper-Genius!
In no time I had deployed vacuum two -- the previously mentioned “cheap, plastic metrosexual’s vacuum” -- attached the hose with the special little attachment that is used for sucking coins and popcorn kernels out of deep crevices in the couch, and switched it on.
Its puny little motor wound up and went to its wheezing limit. I tested the nozzle on my hand and felt the feeble suck but knew it would be better than scraping The Kirby’s inner bag surface with my fingernails. I deployed it inside the clogged bag and carefully and thoroughly went over all the surfaces until they seemed, well, “clean enough for government work.” Then I shut it down and carefully swept the dust and other detritus on the floor into a pile and sucked that up too. Then I mopped the floor of the kitchen. Twice. Until it gleamed.
I took a shower. I mixed a celebratory cocktail. I went to Amazon, found a pack of 12 bags for The Kirby, and ordered them on two day delivery. I went into the kitchen and thought to myself, “A wise man would now replace the bag in the weak little vacuum that has all the leavings from The Kirby in it.”
I opened the “cheap, plastic metrosexual’s vacuum” and knew instantly that many moons ago I had taken a bag out of that vacuum and somehow failed, FAILED, to install a new one. A cloud of hair, dust, dust mites and the bones of small animals exploded from the case and drifted across the gleaming kitchen floor and the carefully polished counter tops. I stood in the cloud at ground zero and felt the dust of ages settle on me.
They say that “Nature abhors a vacuum.” Nature’s got nothing on me.
[Yes, from this time last year. Because... well, because I'm stone cold bored with the politics of perversions.]
This is a veiled reference to Keynesian economics, isn't it?
.
Grandma bought a Kirby back in the Paleocene.
Mom inherited it. Coolest attachment was the carpet cleaner as it produced clouds of foam to rival the airport's foam truck.
That particular attachment became a prominent feature at coed basement parties.
It is still being used by Dad in his shop 45 years on. I don't think he knows 'bout the foam thing.
Now that my wife and I are in or mid to late 70's we now use only IROBOTS. They vacuum under all our tables do not require us to bend and strain our backs to accomplish energy sapping cleaning tasks.
They find their charger when they are finished and are ready to go again when the need arises. They require no replacement bags and notify when they need cleaning that we accomplish with an expensive Hover (the new Kirby).
Irobot has a version that will mop your kitchen floor for you.
I know, you are a victim of your set ways. But wait until having to bend to get under the tables requires treatment at the local medical facility.
Posted by: ChiefTestPilot at August 1, 2011 1:24 PMJoan, you simply must pause and REGROUP!
Posted by: vanderleun at August 1, 2011 1:46 PMWhew! For a moment there,the world was closing in on me.
I've tried the ouroboros method of cleaning my vac. With much the same effect.
:o)
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 1, 2011 1:56 PMDude: Loose the Kirby and the cheapo. Time to spend a few bucks and grow up. Buy an Oreck. Yeah, the ads are cheesy, but the thinks really work and they really are very light.
Posted by: Fat Man at August 1, 2011 2:25 PMIt appears your vacuum abhors nature, Gerard. Thanks for the laugh. I feel somehow....cleansed!
Posted by: Jewel at August 1, 2011 2:26 PMThat's Fat Man for you. Always telling somebody else to empty their wallet. He's a stealth progressive he is.
Posted by: vanderleun at August 1, 2011 2:35 PMWhat part of "Chopped Harley Hog of vacuums" don't you understand Joan? The Oreck may be lighter and posses as much suck, but it is the Yamaha of vacuums. The Kirby is a machine that a man can operate with pride, even when his friends are looking. Sometimes, form must triumph over function.
As for those robo-vacuums, when they start making them in the form of Salma Hayek wearing a garter and bustier pushing around a Kirby, please notify me.
Posted by: westsoundmodern at August 1, 2011 2:44 PMThe motor in this bad boy is so powerful it can suck kittens out of my basement through the floorboards in the living room.
I bet that'd be real popular on YouTube.
Posted by: rickl at August 1, 2011 3:39 PMYou CAN reuse the Kirby bag. I've done it in a pinch by carefully opening the bottom first to empty it, then folding it back and stapling it shut, then taping all over that.
Posted by: mary at August 1, 2011 4:10 PMWe have a Kirby Generation 3, with the carpet cleaner. Purchased it in 1990 when we lived in a 750 square foot apartment in San Diego.
I don't know for sure if it will suck a kitten through the floor, mainly because all five of our cats are the size of moderate basketballs. They all head for the bomb shelter when I fire up the Kirby, anyway.
The motor is getting tired but it will still fill a HEPA rated filter bag with one lap around the first floor.
Posted by: TmjUtah at August 1, 2011 4:35 PMShit, what in hell do ya'll think illegal house cleaners are for?
Posted by: Peccable at August 1, 2011 4:53 PMMy cats call "The Kirby" the "Cat Eater".
Posted by: David McKinnis at August 1, 2011 5:27 PMAh, Mr. Westsound. You missed your mark. And it was such a well-loaded volley, too. The Fat Man is your huckleberry.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 1, 2011 5:30 PMDidn't it occur to you to turn the kirby bag inside out and throw it in the dryer? Or, tie it behind your car and drive around for a half hour?
If all the scorpions and spiders and baby lizards I've sucked into my vac got loose I'd have to sleep in the garage. He's not there now, but once sucked up a small snake, too. Feeling bad for it, I let him go outside.
Posted by: John Hinds at August 1, 2011 6:09 PMDomestic Darwinism rocks!
Posted by: richard mcenroe at August 1, 2011 6:15 PMOh this just gets better and better with every new read. This is the sort of science fiction reality that a woman like me can enjoy. Housework: Drudgery? I think not! So long as I can watch someone else do it.
Posted by: Jewel at August 1, 2011 6:19 PMJewel, the pleasure is to serve.
Posted by: vanderleun at August 1, 2011 7:06 PMXlnt as always Gerard
Trust me, the Oreck sucks, and not in a good way. Underpowered, overpriced and overrated. I still use mine for very light jobs, but the old all metal American - made Hoover I have is da bomb. The next best thing to hardwood floors.
Regards,
Rob
I had a Kirby. I sucked half my bedspread into it.
We included it with items for sale when we were trying to make weight for a military move. It was the Kirby vs several boxes of books.
All vacuums are doggie monsters at my house. Sounds come out of them you will never hear in the wild.
Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at August 1, 2011 7:51 PMClearly, you are the sort of man who needs three vacuum cleaners. It's called triple redundancy and is used for systems where failure is not an option.
Posted by: chuck at August 1, 2011 8:37 PMSeriously man. Give a try to the Rainbow vac. My sister swears by it.
Posted by: Jewel at August 1, 2011 8:53 PMThat was a well-written short story. It sucked me in from the first sentence....
My dad accidentally-maliciously sucked up a big western centipede (scolopendra robustus) with the old Electrolux tank-vac. Oh, with much trepidation we eyeballed the tube and the hose.... With no easy options left, we took the bag outside. It fell to me to cut the bag with a steak-knife; and the damned monster came bursting out like The Alien out of a human chest. I stabbed at it with the steak knife until I finally got it. Both halves ran different directions. We both needed a stiff drink after that.
Dyson, man.... Dyson.
Posted by: Gray at August 1, 2011 9:34 PMI don' think I could bear a third vacuum cleaner. The risk would be too great.
Posted by: vanderleun at August 2, 2011 1:30 AMI owned a Kirby for 20+ years. Kept fixing the motor until it finally breathed its last. Every vacuum since then is a poor second best. Very poor.
Posted by: physics geek at August 2, 2011 5:39 AMWTF? The remote is a man's tool. There is an order in the universe, and it is disrupted when men vacuum or clean the bathroom. That's how we ended up with Komrade Doofus. You need to go outside and shoot at something until you can't remember where you keep those vacuums.
Posted by: Casca at August 2, 2011 7:40 AMI had a Kirby, I loved like one of my children.
Until a cleaning lady thought it was a shop vac and vacuumed a wet floor with it..It had major surgery, after that I could no longer afford the cleaning lady, but she was grumpy anyway.
The Kirby served me well for many more years,and was never grumpy.
Now that I'm older, I use mostly cordless,cowardly little things, but it's okay, I just take my glasses off and everything looks fine to me.
My doctor-pal next door put a spring mounted catnip mouse on his robot vacuum. As it goes on it's rounds, it entertains the cats. I think it has brought a lot of joy to his household.
Posted by: Gray at August 2, 2011 9:05 PMTake a Dyson to your mattress and watch the transparent canister fill with a stratum of flesh-coloured filth an inch deep (if you haven't done it before and slept on the thing for 10 years). I have never vacuumed a non caucasian mattress, but I'm tempted to ask the Indian family down the way to let me have a go.
Thank you, Edward, for that mental image that has now consigned me to sleeping on the floor forever.
Posted by: vanderleun at August 3, 2011 5:02 PMMy floor cleaner is from El Salvador. I pay her in cash once a month.
Posted by: B Lewis at August 29, 2012 4:57 PMThanks for the smile, Gerard. I see that you were having "one of those days".
:o)
Hale Adams
Pikesville, People's Democratic Republic of Maryland
Clean? Vacuum? Horse pucky, that's why moving isn't such a chore. Giving up the cleaning deposit avoids that crud drudgery.
Posted by: Peccable at August 30, 2012 5:47 AMSee, you learned something there: If you're gonna be cheap and re-use the vacuum cleaner bag, empty it outside.
Shouldn't have to learn that lesson more than a couple of times.
Posted by: Rob De Witt at August 30, 2012 6:49 AMIf I asked the man for a new vacuum cleaner for my birthday tomorrow, I might get lucky and get a dual bag. That would at least be a suckworthy endeavor. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5RDAQFAh6Q
Posted by: Jewel at August 30, 2012 4:04 PMA great vacuum cleaner but noisier than my five sons!
Posted by: Patricia at August 31, 2012 4:29 AMOne of the problems with cheap vacuums is that their hoses get clogged.
Solution? A sink drain auger. No mutilation of hoses, no punctures.
Posted by: Cond0011 at September 2, 2012 1:35 PM"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated to combat spam and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.
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