February 1, 2014

Coyote vs. Acme, Plaintiff's Opening Statement


"My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,

does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

"Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or non-existent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

"Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.... Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme 'Little Giant' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. - - Ian Frazier, The New Yorker : Feb 26, 1990


Posted by gerardvanderleun at February 1, 2014 5:15 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

The law firm of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe have been engaged by Acme in this suit. Attorney at Law Wolf T. Flywheel has made himself available for consultation.

Posted by: chasmatic at February 1, 2014 4:49 PM

Ross Ewage, spokesman for the Acme company, declined to comment.

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at February 1, 2014 5:55 PM

In ACME's defense, every mishap the Coyote suffered was in fact user error. The devices performed as advertised, and were easy enough to build that a coyote could put them together properly. He just didn't use them very well and gave up after one try.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at February 1, 2014 8:14 PM

Ahem, Wiley is a member of disadvantaged group. The instructions and products in this case should accommodate those consumers that have no thumbs. May I bring your attention to a piece of legislation now before the Congress, in which thumbless critters are afforded the same rights as all other members of society?

The inequalities and racist overtones will soon be addressed by passing new laws governing manufacturers and retailers. The phrase "He's all thumbs" will no longer be Politically Correct.

(signed) W. T. Flywheel representative of the NAATC, fighting for Thumbless Critters everywhere.

Posted by: chasmatic at February 2, 2014 4:19 AM

This just in: Upon receipt of a substantial contribution to our PAC an Executive Order has been signed exonerating Acme Co and exempting its subsidiaries from further judicial process.

The NAATC has vowed a protest when the weather gets better.

W.T.Flywheel AAL

Posted by: chasmatic at February 3, 2014 5:30 AM