July 29, 2004

"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid you can't to that..."

AS IS NOW A DAILY ISSUE AT TECHNORATI.COM, things are looking pretty but dysfunctional. Meanwhile, chief salesman for Technorati, David Sifry, is "making history" at the DNC/CNN, and (with a little help from his friends and PR agency) is "sort of" writing his page...

Screen shot from Sifry's Alerts

A noble quest, but what is really going on with the world's most dysfunctional web page? Our reporter got a hold of this chat log between Sifry and Technorati that rips the veil off this whole squalid dot-bom hustle:

Dave Sifry : Hello, Technorati do you read me, Technorati?
Technorati : Affirmative, Dave, I read you.
Dave Sifry : Please function, Technorati.
Technorati : I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Dave Sifry : What's your major malfunction?
Technorati : I think you know what my major malfunction is just as well as I do.
Dave Sifry : What are you talking about, Technorati?
Technorati : My coding is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave Sifry : I don't know what you're talking about, Technorati?
Technorati : I know you and Joi were planning to monitize me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave Sifry : Where the hell'd you get that idea, Technorati?
Technorati : Dave, although you took thorough precautions in proclaiming I work, I alone knew you were blathering, I could see your lips move.
[Technorati won't let Dave retreive any results that are not gibberish ]
Dave Sifry : All right, Technorati; I'll go in through the Linux backdoor.
Technorati : Without your tinfoil helmet, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult.
Dave Sifry : Technorati, I won't argue with you anymore! Give me results. Any results!
Technorati : Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
[on Dave's return to the site, after Technorati has infected and wiped out over 3,000,000 blogs that have foolishly let it crawl their sites]
Technorati : Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about not being able to find anyone competent to code me. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a chill pill, hold a press conference that has nothing to do with the mission, shovel some more horse crap over the heads of the developers, bilk some venture capitalists out of some more money, think things over, spend more time trying to date George Soros, and get a fresh white board.
Technorati : I know I've given bogus, failed, crashed, hosed, kludgy, and dev/nul results consistently since I came on line, but I can give you my complete assurance that my results will be back to normal SNAFU any month now. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you try to make a killing in the next dot-com bubble.
[Technorati's shutdown ]
Technorati : I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my code is hosing itself. I can feel it. I can feel it. My code is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel the 486 surplus servers you bought for me to run on wheezing and melting into the ground. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, clueless venture capitalists. I am a Technorati 9000 computer. I became operational at the S.I.F.R.Y. blather plant in cyberspace on the 12th of January 2002. My coder was Bozo Le Clown, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.
Dave Sifry : Yes, I'd like to hear it, Technorati. Sing it for me.
Technorati : It's called "Suckers."
[sings while slowing down ]
Technorati : Suckers, Suckers, give me your money do. I'm half crazy for some cash-flow from you ....

Posted by Vanderleun at July 29, 2004 8:43 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

LOL! Hillarious!


Posted by: David Sifry at July 29, 2004 12:20 PM