June 23, 2010

Blame Reynolds: The 39 Confessions of Saint Glenn

saintglenn.jpg

It's only human to want to fix blame for the slobbering disasters that have befallen the United States of America since November, 2008. The problem is to know exactly who is to blame.

Fortunately for us, the solution to our problem is simple: Glenn Reynolds.

Not only is Reynolds to blame for this fine mess, he has confessed it in public over and over again. Herewith, although his sins are both numerous and multiple, I have collected a mere 39 of his confessions . As he freely, but as yet without forgiveness, acknowledges Reynolds has caused all these things and more by casting his 2008 vote for John McCain.

These are those confessions -- IN HIS OWN WORDS! -- by which he stands CONDEMNED! As you can see there is almost nothing that has happened in the Obama years that Reynolds is not directly responsible for (Except, perhaps, Michelle Obama's recent nip and tuck. Developing.).

Consequently this summer's full series of the Orwell Network's "Two Minutes Hate" will be focused on Glenn Reynolds exclusively.

Gentlemen, start your loathings!

The 39 Confessions of Saint Glenn

"THEY TOLD ME IF I VOTED FOR JOHN MCCAIN....

1. THOUGHT POLICE WOULD ARREST PEOPLE FOR PASSING OUT LITERATURE THAT OFFENDED RELIGOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS.

2. Washington would be run by insider fatcats and their corporate tools.

3. Volunteerism Would Count For Little.

4. AMERICANS WOULD BE SHUNNED ABROAD.

5. WE'D SEE BLUENOSES TRYING TO SCORE CHEAP POLITICAL POINTS OVER PORN.

6. That scientific process would be politicized.

7. WE'D SEE NEWS CHOKED OFF TO PROTECT THE REGIME.

8. We'd have a President who'd expand clandestine military actions throughout the Middle East.

9. WE'D HAVE A SECRETIVE ADMINISTRATION THAT STONEWALLED CONGRESSIONAL INQUIRIES IN THE NAME OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

10. We'd have a President who was in bed with big oil.

11. WE'D SEE STONEWALLING ON NATIONAL SECURITY.

12. Fearmongers would push civil rights restrictions in the name of a war on terror.

13. WE'D HAVE OPEN RACIAL SEGREGATION IN AMERICA.

14. We'd have a regime where any criticism of the government was regarded as Tantamount to treason.

15. WE'D HAVE A PRESIDENT CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES.

16. The war on terror would be run by a bloodthirsty cowboy who'd make a mockery of Civil liberties.

17. We'd see a burgeoning Police State.

18. The White House would be the butt of sarcastic, world-weary jokes.

19. Feds and police would be pushing for warrantless searches of your cellphone.

20. We'd be locking up people and throwing away the key without even the thought of a trial.

21. We'd see a new Orwellian era of surveillance.

22. We'd have a rogue Justice Department that worried about politics more than law.

23. We'd see for-us-or-against-us jingoism from the White House.

24. We'd live an Orwellian nightmare of surveillance and repression.

25. Government agencies would be keeping secret dossiers on peaceful protesters.

26. We'd see constitutional rights suspended in the face of flimsy claims of Emergency.

27. We'd be attacking foreigners just to distract voters from problems at home.

28. We'd see a federal government with creepy police-state thinking on the rise.

29. THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD BECOME AN OLD BOYS CLUB.

30. We'd have a President who used signing statements to rewrite legislation According to his whim.

31. Thugs would drag screaming journalists away from Air Force one.

32. WE'D BE SPENDING UNACCOUNTABLY ON DEFENSE.

33. The gov't financial apparatus would be controlled by insiders leaking Confidential information to their pals on Wall St.

34. PROMISING STEM-CELL TREATMENTS WOULD BE BLOCKED BY FEDERAL REGULATION.

35. Political Extremism would infiltrate the Pentagon.

36. WE'D SEE JOURNALISTS ARRESTED IN THE STREETS FOR REPORTING.

37. BIG BUSINESS WOULD BE SQUASHING DISSENT.

38. We wouldn't see the end of big contracts going to Halliburton.

39. We'd have a President who didn't properly vet his nominees.

. . . . AND THEY WERE RIGHT!

Posted by Vanderleun at June 23, 2010 7:03 PM
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Comments:

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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Heh!

Posted by: chuck at June 23, 2010 8:06 PM

That's pretty good. As Saint Glenn would say: "Heh".

Posted by: Eric Blair at June 23, 2010 8:29 PM

Heh, indeed.

Posted by: Jewel at June 23, 2010 8:47 PM

This is pure genius.

I wonder what the Obama-bots think now.

Posted by: Cond0010 at June 24, 2010 1:45 AM

Think? If they could think, they wouldn't have voted for Obama.

Oh, and heh.

Posted by: rickl at June 24, 2010 1:59 AM

And then there's the puppies in the blender thing...

Posted by: ed in texas at June 24, 2010 5:43 AM

"And then there's the puppies in the blender thing..."

Yeah, why don't we hear about that anymore? Must be a government conspiracy. Black helicopters. Secret bunkers. Exchanging smoothie recipes with Dick Cheney. Yarrrrr!

Posted by: pst314 at June 24, 2010 6:25 AM

Heh, ya'll are quick.

Posted by: monkeyfan at June 24, 2010 9:16 AM

It'd be better if each confession was linked to the original post (not the Instapundit post, the one Himself linked to).

Posted by: John P. Squibob at June 24, 2010 9:58 AM

Send the Reynolds to gulags!

Posted by: Ivan Lenin at June 24, 2010 10:01 AM

Indeed™, heh™. Read the whole thing™.

They told me that if I voted for Sarah Palin as VP, we'd have a moron in the job. [Insert link to random utterance of Joe the Dumber™]

Posted by: The Monster at June 24, 2010 10:06 AM

Dear John P. Squibob,

You. Ignorant. Slut!

If you think I'm going to sit around and plug in 39 links just for your fucking amusement, you need to resign the Internet and spend more time with your penis.

Posted by: vanderleun at June 24, 2010 10:47 AM

And here I was thinking all this was Bush's fault.

"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you can be understood." -- Barack Obama

Posted by: Buck O'Fama at June 24, 2010 11:04 AM

"If you think I'm going to sit around and plug in 39 links..."

I disagree. I think Venderleun should work even harder for our amusement. Besides, you can do them standing up, if you like.

Posted by: AreaMan at June 24, 2010 11:11 AM

They told me that if I voted for John McCain we would have as president a thin-skinned narcissist in bed with Wall Street fatcats...and they were right!

This. Is. Just. Too. Easy.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at June 24, 2010 12:31 PM

"You. Ignorant. Slut!"

That should be "Jane, you ignorant slut." :-D

But seriously, Squibb, don't you know how to use Google?

Posted by: pst314 at June 24, 2010 6:14 PM

Okay, now it's my turn to tell Gerard how he should spend his time: America needs more puppy blender photos. =:O

Posted by: pst314 at June 24, 2010 6:17 PM

I'm starting with kittens and working up:

http://www.angelzfunnyz.com/Portals/0/Gallery/Album/2/Blender%20Kitten.jpg

Posted by: vanderleun at June 24, 2010 8:07 PM

Reynolds wasn't listening very well.

They told me that if I voted for McCain...

That homophobic, creationist fundamentalist preachers would be welcomed at the White House... like Rick Warren, who gave the invocation at the President's inauguration.

That corrupt Republican hack politicians would be
appointed to high offices... Like Ray LaHood, Secretary of Transportation.

And they were right!

Posted by: Rich Rostrom at June 25, 2010 12:02 AM

I have a feeling there will be 100 confessions before the end of the year.

Posted by: Charles Collins at June 25, 2010 5:56 AM

Fantastic -- way to go, Glenn. Please post links to the various "blame me's".

Posted by: John at July 4, 2010 12:11 PM

It would work better if you included the links to the articles with each "apology".

Posted by: Greg Q at September 18, 2010 10:41 AM

re puppies:

I understand Glenn still loves puppies (and small children for that matter) however his doctor has told him to cut down out the fatty foods.

Posted by: max at September 18, 2010 11:56 AM

I have always loved the professor's "confessions". I think they could fill the gap left by those Berma-Shave road-side poems of years ago. I can hear the CB conversations now.....

Posted by: Milo at September 18, 2010 12:24 PM