The Dead Documents Sketch

BLOGGER: I wish to complain about these documents you palmed off on your shrinking but credulous audience last week.

RATHER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Bush Guard memos. They are full of accurate facts.... What's,uh... What's wrong with them?

BLOGGER: I'll tell you what's wrong with them, Dan. They're forgeries, that's what's wrong with them!

RATHER: No, no, they're just pretending to be forgeries. They contain accurate facts vetted by all experts we could find that agree with me.

BLOGGER: Look, "Kenneth", I know a forgery when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

RATHER: No no they're not forged because they're accurate! Remarkable set of facts, aren't they. Best I've ever made.
    
BLOGGER: The "facts" don't enter into it. Forged facts forfiet their factualness.

RATHER: Nononono, no, no! They're accurate in the facts from our carefully checked but secret sources! I know they're true because I've reviewed the tapes of myself claiming they're true.

BLOGGER: Look, I took the liberty of examining those tapes when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason you claimed they were true was the fact they'd been NAILED to your head.

(pause)

RATHER: Well, o'course they was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed them to my head, I would have forgotten where I got them from in the first place. Nailed or not, they'll still fly. They'll still Voooooooom!

BLOGGER: "VOOM"?!? Mate, these documents wouldn't "voom" if you strapped four million frothing moonbats on them! They've been trying that over on Kos for days and there is no lift-off. These documents is bleedin' demised!

RATHER: No no! Don't you understand? They're ACCURATE even if they're FAKE! They're pining for a Democratic Administration. Which makes them TRUE LIES.

BLOGGER: 'They're not pining! They're passed on!
These documents are no more!
They have ceased to be!
They've expired and gone to meet their maker! ... Speaking of which...
They're a set of stiffs!
Bereft of truth, they're a pack of lies!
If you hadn't nailed them to your forehead on national television, they'd be compost in a New Jersey landfill next to Jimmy Hoffa.
These documents are pushing up the daisies!
Their hopes of altering our national election are now 'istory!
They and you are off the twig!
They have kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain on your career and joined the Hitler Diaries!!
THESE ARE EX-DOCUMENTS!!

(pause)

RATHER: Well, I'd better replace them with another set of true lies I whipped up on my old Selectric over the weekend. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry Blogger, I've had a look 'round the back of CBS News, and uh, we're right out of forged documents with accurate facts.

BLOGGER: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Rather: I got a John Kerry.

(pause)

BLOGGER: Pray, does it talk?

RATHER: Not to the press.

Posted by Vanderleun at September 15, 2004 9:50 AM