Advanced Speedo Swimsuit Technology, 2008

As astute readers of American Digest know, nothing so engages my attention as technological advances that make the world a better place. Today, the always astute neo-neocon made me aware such innovations in her "Swimsuit wars."She reports,

"Fashion is hardly the issue for serious swimmers, it's winning. And in the race for the gold there's a new weapon in the arsenal, the Speedo Fastskin LZR racer swimsuit. The controversy over the suit involves whether it confers an unfair advantage in terms of buoyancy. Its attributes: bonded seams that eliminate drag-inducing stitches, a hidden zipper for the same reason, and special panels that further the cause. The problem is that not all countries have access to the suit. But is the playing field ever level?"

Alas, as women know and men observe, when it comes to swimsuits, the field is always at a 45 degree slant. If it were not, then women would not equate shopping for a new swimsuit with a near-death experience.

The Speedo Fastskin, pictured here for purely scientific purposes, is a case in point. Its cutting edge features include: "Bonded seams, so no stitches to cause drag. A hidden zipper - again, less drag. LZR panels reduce drag in some areas of the swimsuit by as much as 24% compared to other Speedo suits." Clearly a swimsuit for the 21st century. As can be seen here again, purely for scientific purposes:

Clearly, something has been going on inside the Speedo development labs and, strictly in the spirit of scientific inquiry, I set out to discover what other innovations the company had in the pipeline.

I am proud to present the fruits of my research for the benefit of all mankind.

Of course the first thing a responsible journalist does when profiling a company these days is to ask, "Just how damned green is this conglomeration of craven capitalists, anyway?" I am pleased to announce that, regardless of its penchant for water resistant petrochemical byproducts, Speedo is doing all that it can to reduce its carbon breastprint.

Here, for example, is Speedo's breakthrough sustainability swimsuit, the Speedo Flora:

The Flora is made of 100% organic artisan petals grown in free-range conditions under a fair-trade agreement with the underemployed young women of Costa Rica. The expenses of upkeep are minimal. When worn near a pool, or a conscious heterosexual male, the suit waters itself.

Fine, you may say, but what happens when a Gyno-American wants to have such a non-abusive relationship with the Holy Planet that she completely blends in. Speedo has got her semi-covered with the new CamoSpeedo 2.0:

The CamoSpeedo 2.0 is made with a bio-degradable fabric that, in rain-forest environments, cannot be seen at all. Here the model is photographed against a backdrop of organically farmed bamboo so that the fine points of the technology can be fairly assessed. If, however, she were to be laying down on a moist forest floor, moaning softly and far from prying eyes, you would would probably be reduced to crawling around on the floor searching for her gently with your bare hands.

Of course, the wearing of swimsuits around water is not only "so 20th century," it severely limits the ability of Speedo to expand its market share. The Speedo solution to this is a line of swimsuits made for everyday wear by the committed career woman.

In an exclusive interview, Speedo CEO Dirk Gently remarked, "This line is very exciting for us. It gives us an exciting chance to give back. It is especially exciting now that women have broken their patriarchal chains and have careers that do not reduce them to mere sex-objects. At Speedo we respect that. Check these out, dude."

First among these advanced business swimsuit models is the Speedo "Cleanroom." This ensemble is designed to appeal to female executives (with MBAs who have gotten their position through merit alone) when they must frequently enter clean rooms to inspect advanced electronic equipment in a high-nerd environment.

Another model for the professional career woman who needs an everyday swimsuit to wear to and from the office is the Speedo Dangler. This icon of professionalism solves the problem of having no purse or pockets for essential executive equipment with the stylish cord suspend from the hips in front of the pudenda. The Dangler comes complete with matching cord clips for a cell-phone, credit and business card holder, and diaphragm case. Just the thing for those mean streets and sudden opportunities for promotion.

Women in the giving-back careers of fire-fighting and law-enforcement have also not been overlooked when it comes to making swimsuits out of 21st century materials:

Especially useful to police women of all ranks is the Speedo Kevlar bronze body armor model. Field experiments have shown that not only can the swimsuit stop a .357 magnum round, but that the mere appearance of a police officer in the suit can make the perp forget all about shooting in the first place. Indeed, many career criminals, when confronted with this new and improved police woman uniform have been recorded as saying, "Hey, you got any handcuffs to go with that?"

Nor have the advanced theories of the American educational establishment been overlooked by Speedo.

The company is fully aware of the move in our schools to "reduce or eliminate" competition in sports so that self-esteem can be spread even to the slowest swimmers in the class. If a school, for example, has a woman who is just too fast, here's the ticket:

This is the revolutionary Speedo Sea Anchor. Designed not to shed water but to scoop it up as the swimmer dives into the pool, the Sea Anchor is the tool that keeps your swimmer from breaking the school's "No Winners" rule. The Sea Anchor is so effective in this it has been known to bring all events at a swim meet to a screeching halt simply by walking out of the dressing room.

Other indoor sports have not been overlooked by Speedo, even those traditionally the realm of men. Here for example is the Speedo Pocket Pool suit:

As you can clearly see, the Speedo Pocket Pool swimsuit is just the thing for the competition level pool player when she finds she must climb up onto the pool table in order to effectively gauge the critical angles of her next shot. Even though doing this is not allowed by the International Pool Association, there has yet to be a single protest lodged against the deployment of the Speedo Pocket Pool in any major contest. This includes the Dinah Shore Open.

Asked about potential problems for the Speedo Pocket Pool down the road in professional pool, Speedo spokesperson Jenna Jamison said, "We think the Speedo Pocket Pool's real potential is to revolutionize pool by creating more openings for players at or on the table."

With all this concentration on athletes and professionals, you might think that Speedo has forgotten the average Gyno-American for whom putting on a swimsuit is the aforementioned near-death experience; be she wife, mother, or fading Presidential candidate. Not so. The 24/7 research labs of Speedo have come out with two models of highly advanced technology that are destined to elevate them into the Pantheon of corporate greatness.

First among these models is the Speedo "No Behind Left Fat" Suit:

While this may appear to be a normal two-piece thong swimsuit, it is actually a one-piece full-body suit formed of a fusion of technologies. The first is the employment of key materials from the Speedo Fastskin. The second is derived from advanced condom technology from Trojan, a company Speedo absorbed in 2004 in a hostile takeover. Together these technologies have made possible a "one-size-fits-all" swimsuit that not only compresses any female form to the proportions seen on the model (Actually, a polish mother of eight weighing in at 210 pounds), but also comes with small ribs on the outside "for his pleasure."

Commenting at the launch of the Speedo "No Behind Left Fat" suit at the National Weight Watchers Convention this March, Speedo CEO Dirk Gently said, "We're very excited about Speedo "No Behind Left Fat". We think it will revitalize marriages around the world. Not only that it will have an impact on our bottom line similar to what Viagra did for Pfizer. How exciting is that?

"But that's not all," said Gently. "Next year we have the even more exciting ultimate Speedo for the People coming out and I'd like to give all of you here at Weight Watchers a sneak peak:

"We call it the Speedo "We Don't Care If Your Ass Is Fat" Suit. As you can see, it's a winner."

Naturally, with all this innovation and invention simply streaming off of Speedo like water off a duck's back, you may wonder what the company has done for men. The short and sweet answer is that Speedo has done for men.... what it has always done for men.

Posted by Vanderleun at August 19, 2015 4:17 PM