Across the street they've nailed the curtains.
They're getting ready for the feast.
The Phantom of the Opera,
A perfect image of a priest.
They're spoon-feeding Casanova
To get him to feel more assured.
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence,
After poisoning him with words,
And the Phantom's shouting to skinny girls,
"Get Outa Here If You Don't Know
Casanova is just being punished for going
To Desolation Row"
-- Bob Dylan
The Mark Sanford Media Fornication Festival currently climaxing in day-by-day updates, when not interrupted by ignoring where Michael Jackson parked his detachable penis for decades, instructs us yet again in what our media expects of Republican politicians: pseudo-moral celibacy in thought, word, and deed stretching from the cradle to the grave. Democrats, conversely, are expected and required to use their sex organs in ways that emulate and celebrate either Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, or Barney Frank.
It is of passing interest that the "profession" of "Journalism" itself requires no moral celibacy on the part of scribes ( pride, envy, wrath, sloth, lust, avarice, and gluttony being required activities for advancement -- Current Champions: Perez Hilton and his life partner Arianna Huffington.) The position of the media/entertainment industry en masse is that none of the seven deadly sins are allowed to be present in a Republican. Conversely, all seven deadly sins must not only be present but be celebrated in a Democrat. But since all this is well known and daily shown, we will let this interest in the media's position pass for the moment. Besides, it is futile since long and continuing research into the activities of our media today has shown, again and again, that you cannot insult whores.
Our sermon for today is "What doth it profit a man to gain the office of dogcatcher or above, if he must bid adieu to his sexuality in late childhood?"
For, lo, to be elected as a Republican today a man (or a woman) must prepare at an early age to either leave no trace of a human existence, or determine never to have one in the first place. Like the pagan religions of antiquity or cloistered orthodox religious orders that persist into our era, today's Republicans must be -- according to our media -- the last surviving virgins over 18 in the United States of America.
Of course, Republicans must not only be virgins but also become married to Mrs. Ward Cleaver and, through some miraculous parthenogenesis, beget multiple children, although these can, on occasion, be rented.
So it is that only a married, virgin Republican priest (of any one of the six genders) has become the only breed of Republican acceptable to media if they can be shown to have something like a family attached for photo ops.
In addition, such a Republican must be 'politically qualified.'
To innocent Americans weaned on the standard social studies classes served up in high school, political qualifications may seem to begin and end in the state of being a citizen. This is, of course, wrong.
'Republican political qualification' begins in high school when the aspiring virgin moves towards the priesthood by running for class office in place of puberty. It continues throughout the ensuing decades as getting elected takes the place of getting laid. Democrats, during the same post-pubescent period, are running for office by getting themselves laid with boys, girls, the school mascot (if a pony), and every implement in the school cafeteria. Vast and painful sexual "experimentation" is the key to their election erections.) With luck, the qualified Republican virgin climbs the fund raising rungs and learns how to pass the hat -- and take the soft funds within or without the unmarked "giving envelopes."
Along the way, the virgin Republican priest learns to respect the deacons and bishops and cardinals of the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Patronage. In due course, he is rewarded with nifty clothes, drivers, security, free lunches, unctuous smiles, false friendship, and lessons in how to pawn any principle he may have for a mess of pottage.
Finally, sexless, graceless, bereft of conviction, with a hand full of gimme and a mouth full of much obliged, he has accrued enough markers to be boosted into office.
Much palaver ensues en route to his balsa throne. Much is made of his family, his upbringing, and little of his views and opinions since by then his views and opinions are what he is told to have. Indeed, they are what he has had since any vision or values or morals he once possessed were removed with his genitals about the time he received the required advanced degrees in either accounting, social work, or law. (Pick one or all three.)
During the ritual of his ascension, the virgin Republican priest of the people eats the ritual meals of rubber chicken and an endless spectrum of ethnic foods, for there are as many food groups as there are victim groups. At these ritual meals he pronounces the approved prayers over the congregation. He assumes ritual poses with the leaders of the congregation. He blesses infants with a kiss. Various scribes examine his views via a ritual series of stimuli eliciting rote-learned responses surprising to no one. Should some small transgression (or even large ones) be discovered, mea culpas are extracted at lens point until all are assured the sexual organs have been sanded down to a nub.
Then he is placed on the sacrificial altar of the election and, if found at last pure of any visceral or earthly taint he is elevated. Music is played. Balloons tumble. Hossanahs are raised. Oaths are administered in which he swears to cleave only to his one wife and never, ever, allow himself a grand life-shaking passion. He cannot. He is the virgin Republican.
And then his reign begins. He finally ascends into the capitol to sit upon the right hand of the State, hence to judge the special and the not-so-special interests. A man so pure, so bereft of any soul, so pure and white, so in aspect like Mister Rogers, so empty of any sexuality, that it is all he can do not to begin screwing everyone in the state in the first 24 or the last 24 hours of his reign.
But, as a Republican, he cannot screw everyone over. The screwing and the screwing over must be left to the Democrats. They will never be charged with "not keeping it in their pants" since they have had it out of their pants since before puberty when they went off to raise millions by sitting on the lap of that die-hard but finally dead Democrat, Michael Jackson.Posted by Vanderleun at June 27, 2009 10:07 AM | TrackBack