December 31, 2006

2007 Predictions: Oh, the Humanity!


No matter what your chosen form of frivolity for this New Years Eve, you know that there will be a New Years Day. And no matter what your resolutions may be, there is one burning question that should come to mind the very first instant that your eyes blink open on that day: "Is it possible that 2007 will suck worse than 2006?"

Innocent souls, renewed and fresh and washed in the blood of the Lamb, reborn into the world, starry-eyed and laughing, would scoff at such a question. In their blinded optimism they would know that there is no way that 2007 can drive us deeper into suckitude than 2006. But, alas, I am here to tell those cock-eyed optimists that they need to pound sand deep into the orbits of their eyes, prepare their loins for self-Bobbitization, and buy a gallon of premium unleaded so that they may set their hair on fire and then run out of the room screaming, "I GOT THE FEAR!"

A brief glance forward into the glass of time reveals the one enduring truth about human life on the planet Earth -- "IT GETS WORSE."

"Yes, Virginia, 2007 will suck more deeply than ever before," quoth the sage when considering just two small areas of the barren and blasted landscape that lies before us; U.S. politics and the Internet. The fact that these two areas are now melded together at the brain like a grotesque pair of conjoined Chernobyl twins up for 87 hours of non-stop surgery in Switzerland only increases the non-stop suck-potential for 2007.

Turning our basilisk gaze towards the always fertile suck-pond of US politics, it is best to remember that although we've just had an election, surprise, here we are in the midst of the next one. Currently on-deck for this coming quadrennial fornication festival we have a number of options that compete only in who can suck more deeply more quickly. In the right corner we have John McCain, John McCain, John McCain, and that Mormon guy. (Oh yes, there's Rudy. But he may well take a hard look at the landscape and, because he is a sensible man, decide that the suck is just too deep and life too short.)

The elements that argue for a McCain campaign are 1) It's his turn. 2) He's currently faking right. 3) The Republicans like to find a leading guy and stick with him. 4) Looks good on camera and is a war hero. So, here he comes, ready or not.

But this is a choice that sucks for one clear reason that, of course, nobody is fronting: McCain is just too old. If the campaign doesn't kill him, the job will. If he wins he will be nearly 73 when he takes the oath. This means if he gets two terms he'll be nearly 81 when he leaves -- assuming he lives that long. Now I'm all in favor of Boomers getting high office. After all, "it's our turn." But I don't think it is time to turn the Presidency over to those teetering on the sheer cliff of geezerdom. While I'm all for "education" in the terrible effects of Alzheimer's, I don't think we need to plant it in the oval office for a few years. We've been there and done that with Reagan... and he at least had the decency to get out of office and retire from view. McCain is just too much of a power-hound. He'll be signing Presidential proclamations long after his cerebellum has gone to that great bell-jar in the sky.

Sucking more deeply than the right (Yes, it is possible.), is the boatload of Bozos coming at us from the Left. Here we have Hillary, John (The Breck Girl) Edwards, Dennis the Moonbat, Shyster Al Sharpton, Al (The Sky is Heating!) Gore, and that new guy from Hawaii that causes Democratic soccer moms and dads to toss their dampened panties on the stage whenever he appears, and... well... Lurch.

As Chester A. Riley would say, "What a revoltin' development dis is!"

Lets take a look as Ms. Rodham C. Frontrunner as an example of how the Suckathon between the Democrats and the Republicans is going to be neck and neck right down to the wire. Just as it is impolite but true to say that McCain is too much of a geezer to be elected, it is equally impolite but true to say that, at the end of the day, Hillary has far too fat an ass to be President.

Yes, the primary thing that stands between Hillary and the most powerful position on the planet is her butt. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a picture of Mrs. Clinton's full-torso from behind? You haven't. This is because the primary secret that Hillary is hiding from the American public is her commodious keister. For well over a decade there have been a heavenly host of Hillary handlers dedicated to the proposition that these images never get made or published. Of course, when she runs we will all have the dubious pleasure of seeing what rare images exist trotted out by her political enemies on a host of web sites that nobody who loves her will ever look at. Indeed, Free Republic already has a veritable arsenal of delicate hand-crafted photoshops slapped in the silos and ready to launch.

Hide as they will, the buttocks will out and America will not soon go for a President whose buttocks rival those of William Howard Taft. No President in living memory has had a big butt and things are not likely to change.

Add to that the fact that Hillary is the most publicly humiliated woman in history and the odds are long against this candidate's offering sucking so deeply she will actually be elected. Even if the bumper stick reads, "Clinton-Obama 2008." Especially if.

Indeed, the only benefit of Hillary being nominated is that it would keep the other candidates, who suck even more deeply than she, from being nominated. As a result of this, she gets my nod -- butt and all -- if only to stop the busload of Bozos trying to run her over as she rolls down the center line. After all, the alternative is a primary example of how "IT GETS WORSE!" in only three little words: Teresa Heinz Kerry. Remember, the only thing worse than a President if love with his own aroma, is one with a wife who's a drunk in love with her own aroma.

And let us not forget that while the inevitable Presidential Suckathon is rolling over us, we will also have to deal with the only political party in American life that has proven, over and over again, that it can suck more deeply than the Republicans -- the Democrats.

During the past few weeks of peace, love, understanding, Holiday cheer, and an overdue but satisfying necktie party in Baghdad, it is easy to forget that the Dems are forming at the gates of congress with a barrel of tar, a half-ton of feathers, a splintery rail, and a noose -- good condition, used only briefly by an Iraqi dictator.

Yes, it will be an unending series of congressional fornication festivals staged for Cspan for two years immediately after the brief shining 100 hours TV special "Nancy Pelosi Gets Squat Done." Other than your taxes going up, everything else about this congress will be down. The only relief is that you won't have any Congressional Page Sex Scandals to deal with since what is abnormal sexual behavior for Republicans is normal sexual behavior for Democrats. Other than that, the Democrats' compulsion to bend over before their natural constituents will be exceeded only by attempts to bend over before America's enemies. Still, it only sucks more deeply because it will be a deeper bending than that practiced by the Republicans over the last few years.

To top it off, can anything suck more deeply than yet another go around at impeaching a sitting President? The only thing more numbing in life than this charade would be having a three-foot piece of rebar pounded down the middle of your spine. But my Magic 8 Ball says "Very likely" when it comes to this popular chunk of political crap. Now you might say that although the Democrats played this card like Rosie played the Donald during the election, they could not possibly suck so deeply as to actually go for it. I must demur and point you to the scripture, "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." Proverbs 26:11

So get out the lawn chairs and crack a cold one when this one hits the ground. Either that or cancel your cable subscription, bag the newspapers and, well, go live on that island Tom Hanks found in Castaway and spend your days knocking your molars out of your head with rocks. That will be quicker, more hygienic, and far less painful than impeachment proceedings. Probably better for your health as well.

Pushing all this rich prime suck into the already clogged arteries of the body politic will be the ineffable effect of.... the Internet. Ah yes, the ever-popular -- and growing even more popular by the day -- Internet. By this time next year, this rapidly unfolding blessing and curse should probably be composed mostly of Porn, Wikipedia and MySpace pages with a soupcon of YouTube videos which will have devolved to a site featuring bathroom and stoplight cams fighting for attention against the endless explorations of Teenage Angst and really bad rap bands with overbites.

Of course, as the year grinds on and Presidential politics starts to grip the nation by the throat with all the gentle love of a rabid hyena's bite, these efforts at the "Social Internet" (AKA Web 2.0) will meld with our electoral rituals and produce a depth of suck deeper than the Marianas trench and sporting those white worm life forms only found on the vents of deep ocean volcanoes. The main problem will be that the white worms will probably prove to have more native intelligence than the web commentators.

Will 2007 suck more deeply than 2006? The answer, if not self evident, is best given by William Carlos Williams when he wrote a blurb for Alan Ginsberg's "Howl," "Hold back the edges of your gowns, Ladies, we are going through hell." The only difference here will be that 2007 will be much worse than even "Howl." And like Howl it won't rhyme either.

Posted by Vanderleun at December 31, 2006 1:02 PM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Ore the flipside, my wife says the economy improves in years that retailers give out free calendars - and we've scored THREE so far! Be thankful there are only 365 days that will suck.

Posted by: Mike Anderson at December 31, 2006 1:48 PM

In view of your previous post, I found myself thinking of the humanity of the central figure in the creche. He was born into a pretty sucky world, too-- as a sign that God hasn't yet walked away from humankind. With apologies to St. John--the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot suck it out.

Good to have you back, and may 2007 bring you health and contentment, no matter what happens in the public sphere.

Posted by: Connecticut Yankee at December 31, 2006 2:40 PM

I'm not sure if it's a screed or a Jeremiad but it's great. I'm sending my friends the link. I'm limited in who I can send it to due to the totally superfluous use of the scatological 'suck' but it's still great. You wouldn't write to your mother that way, would you?

Posted by: Fred at January 1, 2007 2:13 AM

Awesome. Thanks so much for all the great posts. I really do enjoy it. Specially dug the grapvine mindscape, being from the Valley, I did it many a
time, but the picture of faith was what was awesome.
Your right about the suckfest, it began awhile ago, nostop bile, 24/7 from the left, and some pretty good analysis from righty blogs, although, I can only take so much. My recepie is much less and choose carefully, your on the top of the list. Best to you and your family in the new year. Washed in the blood of the Lamb makes the worst of situations alllrighhht.

Posted by: tim guy at January 1, 2007 8:45 AM

What's this about somebody handling Hillary's butt full time? And you think you hate your job....

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at January 1, 2007 12:29 PM

Yes, the primary thing that stands between Hillary and the most powerful position on the planet is her butt.
Several Democratic strategists last week urged [Sen. Hillary] Clinton to unleash a "charisma offensive".
Operative word: offensive.

Posted by: Fausta at January 2, 2007 12:43 PM

Snark or smarm seems to be all there is from this one.

Posted by: PatD at February 15, 2007 8:21 PM
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