May 25, 2004

Moore Lies. Sky Is Blue. Hurts. Make It Stop!

FRED BARNES 'sets the record straight' in:Michael Moore and Me

"Moore is a liar. He made it up. It's a fabrication on two levels. One, I've never met Moore or even talked to him on the phone."
This squiblet underscores one of the three major mass mental health risks that come with the release of the Moore's 9/11.
1) No matter where we are in America, we are going to see and hear a lot about this turkey unless we immediately douse ourselves with a gallon of gasoline, and strike a match. Make that two gallons since there's always the chance we could wake up in the Shriners' Burn Wards with the cable permanently locked onto CNN.
2) No matter where we are in America, we are going to see pictures and interviews with Michael Moore unless we are wise enough, right now, to jam red-hot needles into our eyes and take out our ear-drums with firecrackers.
3) No matter where we are in America, we are going to be subjected to people like Fred (above) who are going to be informing all and sundry that Michael Moore is a liar. Since this will just add to the already toxic levels of Michael Moore we will be forced to endure, perhaps we could prevail on all those Fred's out there to just, please, for the sake of the children, SHUT UP!

This vast conspiracy to tell everyone that MICHAEL MOORE IS A LIAR will accomplish nothing other than vast stupification on a national scale.

Why? Because everybody, right, left and center, knows MICHAEL MOORE IS A LIAR.

His supporters know it and they don't care. They love his lies. He is their Golem and his lies are their "precious." They simply must have them. Moore's lies support their lies in the vast legions of lies that they live and breathe. Take away the lies and you take away their atmosphere. They'd no more give up their lies than they would stop breathing. They can't. The lies they now live have been spot-welded to their souls. The only thing that even has a chance of peeling these lies off of them would be the simultaneous detonation of two nuclear weapons on the Upper West Side and Brentwood. Even then, for those outside the immediate blast area, the lies would remain attached in the form of "Bush lied when he said he would protect us from terrorism forever!"

His detractors know and have known for decades that MICHAEL MOORE IS A LIAR, but somehow they seem to feel compelled to repeat this self-evident mantra. Like the BUSH LIED crowd they seem to believe that if you state the MOORE LIED mantra it will lessen his street-cred with the BUSH LIED crowd and win them over from the dark side. This is nothing but pap. They must known that. Therefore, the only thing that we can assume about them is that Michael Moore takes up way too much real estate in their brains. That would be all right if he would just continue squatting in their brains, but they also feel compelled to move him into ours when we're not looking.

Finally, Michael Moore knows that MICHAEL MOORE IS A LIAR. Well, sensible and moral people might argue, if he knows that he is a liar why doesn't he stop lying? He doesn't stop because lying is the most successful career move he ever made and it has rewarded him at every turn. His lies have brought him and will continue to bring him fame, money, adulation and the attention of women he could only dream about during his doubtless miserable adolescence. For Moore, lying works and works big-time. He won't give it up. Everything in his immediate experience teaches him that big lies get big rewards. The way to get bigger rewards is to tell bigger lies. His fans will accept no less. It's the American Way and America has been very, very good to Michael Moore.

The only interesting thing about Michael Moore now is not that MICHAEL MOORE IS A LIAR. Spare us the "news," thank you. The interesting thing is to see how big Michael can make his lies before something stops him. To judge by recent experience, the only thing that could would be a massive embolism, or the inability of anyone to get their arms around him should he have a the need for a Heimlich during a spontaneous crisis in refiltered osmotic obesity.

When that happens, the nation will mourn. Half for the passing of their patron saint of the Big Lie, the other half for the passing of a gas bag they just couldn't let float. Moore's epitaph? I LIED. SO WHAT. SO LONG, SUCKERS, THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

Posted by Vanderleun at May 25, 2004 11:24 AM
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