Kute Korner Krack Dealers: They're Baaaaaaack! @ AMERICAN DIGEST

March 14, 2013

Kute Korner Krack Dealers: They're Baaaaaaack!

There oughta be a law against these kinds of high-pressure selling tactics.

Who let them out? Why are they everywhere? On the corners, by the entrances to supermarkets, at the crossings, and all over the place. They swoop into the neighborhood in massive SUVs driven by classic MILFs. They pull in, tumble out giggling, and yank their card tables and their boxes of contraband from the back. Then they set up their offerings in stacks, and slap crude handmade signs with a heavy helping of glitter on the tables. Then they don their gang colors and get to work on you.

They are the most ruthless retail agents known to man. They are virtually irresistable in their peddling of their wares. They do it with cutting edge cute, and they have no scruples concerning your desperate attempt to diet away the winter flab.

They are the Girl Scouts and no matter how I try I cannot avoid them.

Their web of pushers has been strung across Seattle. They don't even offer the first one free. They just jibber-jabber among themselves with their guardian MILF smiling knowingly at you. Sometimes, when the junkies are slow to line up for their fix, they do things like cartwheels or jump rope. Then they get your attention. The MILF sees this and smiles again.

And you are sunk. You have no hope of escape. Your whole universe of abstaining from sugar collapses. The few measly ounces you've lost by denying yourself that fourth scoop of Cherry Garcia at one in the morning are swamped by the tsunami of the C.U.T.E. in their little vests with their patches. You world of hope for a change in your gut is gone, and the only thing left for you is the stark choice: Thin Mints or Samoas?

I've tried to escape their clutches, but it's no good. Today, desperate to kick after discovering last night that I could hear a box of Thin Mints calling to me through a closed door, I even invented a granddaughter.

The MILF saw my glance at their cookie table and smiled. I said, having bought no less than three boxes of their krispy krack over the last week, "I'm sorry, but my granddaughter has made me swear to buy cookies only from her troop." (I have no granddaughter, but I was in despair.)

One of her henchgirls shrugged and did a cartwheel while the other two looked disappointed in that trademark Girl Scout disappointed look that I'm sure they give a patch for.

"Oh, don't worry," said the MILF. "We'll never tell. Right girls?"

"We'll never-ever tell," said all three virtually in unison as if they'd practiced it throughout all of February at their Girl Scout/MILF coven meetings.

It was all over for me. All I could say was,

"Samoas."

[2013? Gawd. Tempus Fugit!]

Posted by Vanderleun at March 14, 2013 2:10 PM

Y'all are amateurs. I freebase Caramel Delites.

In other words: "Hi, I'm Jim, and I'm an addict!"

[everyone else] "Hi, Jim! We're addicts, too!"

And yes, you'll find me at the storefront cookie table. Seeya there!

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

P.S. On sweets, some bad news I'm sad to report: http://smokeonthewater.typepad.com/smokeonthewater/2011/03/first-the-boat-then-the-captain.html

Posted by: Jim at March 9, 2011 9:00 PM

Cookie pushing is as industrial as the organizations churning out tomorrow's Georgetown students. Only their quests are different. The girls don't usually come knocking on doors in these parts. Parents just take the orders into their jobs and expect people to buy, buy BUY! And there are no MILFS in the current batch of GS moms in our local troop. The girls aren't much better looking, either. The cookies aren't anything to anticipate, because you can buy those kinds of cookies in the store all year round. Thin mints? Keebler makes 'em, too. They're called 'Grasshoppers'. Shortbread cookies? Yep. You can get those all year round, too.
What the GSofA DOESN'T sell is Pecan Sandies, or even better: Cashew Sandies.
Nabisco and Keebler have it covered, and there's no scheming financial dodge involved.

Posted by: Jewel at March 3, 2012 10:23 PM

Posted by: Jewel at March 3, 2012 10:24 PM

My Mother was Executive Director of four different Councils, was well as being on loan for a few years to National as the National Budget Director. I was a Curved Bar Scout and had a troop of my own after I was married. In all those years and in all those councils, cookie money went to the camp fund, both for building and maintaining camps and also to provide camperships for girls in need.

That said, my Mother was quite disturbed before her death at the direction the Scouts were moving and she would be appalled today. With mothers all working, it is hard to get good people as troop leaders. Scouting has always been about empowering girls, but it has been hijacked by those who want to mold girls not to be well-prepared, well-rounded young women but to be activists for women being prepared to do battle.

Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at March 3, 2012 11:12 PM

I have a troop of Cadets (8th-9th grade) and we've been selling cookies for 7 years and I am DONE. First of all it's a complete PITA to be a part of the annual cookie sale, 2nd we get 75 cents for every $4 we sell, 3rd I don't like the direction the organization is going (and has been going, frankly) and 4th the cookies taste like ass compared to how they used to taste when we got into the racket.

It's fun at first Jim, yeah, but that wears off. And seriously, some of the stunts the National Council pulls....I don't want to support them. I'd prefer to do troop fundraising for troop activities without having to pay tribute to the Councils above our troop level.

Posted by: SAHMmy at March 4, 2012 6:30 AM

Comments:

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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I walked by a table set up in front of a local grocery store and noticed little paper cupcake cups with two cookies in each.

I stopped and looked at the shortbread.

"Well, miss, looks like good cookies. But I just can't eat shortbread without..."

She poured the milk into a 3 oz paper cup.

I bought two boxes. And a quart of milk. One box made it home.

Posted by: TmjUtah at March 9, 2011 6:47 PM

My particular weakness is the Dos-i-dos. My wife just bought me two boxes of them, forgetting that I have sworn off of GS cookies, not because I am watching calories, but because I cannot stand the idea of providing any sort of funding for that progressive, pinko organization. (At least the national level GSA organization. I would have no problem if I knew that 100% of the profits stayed with the local troops that were selling them.) I am consuming them great indignation (and a latte on the side).

Posted by: Grizzly at March 9, 2011 9:17 PM

I usually just give them the money (I'm not big on sweets but I'm a soft touch for youth groups), but I haven't seen any since I was sent here two years ago. I figured it might have something to do with the fact that the stores here are mostly filled with non-English speaking foreigners.
Do they have Girl Scouts in Mexico?

Posted by: Bakersfield, CA at March 9, 2011 11:33 PM

Grizzly> Profits for girl scout cookies do stay within the local council and the troops do get a big cut.

Thanks for the big laugh after a long selling season (5 weeks) here in Austin, Texas. My troops (38 of them) made $12,000 in profits. This money supports the troops directly.

Thanks for buying girl scout cookies!

Posted by: Bellaleda at March 10, 2011 6:38 AM

3 boxes in 5 days. Even after I swore I'd keep the Thin Mints in the freezer 'til summer. At least they're only on sale for a month or so, otherwise, I'd end up in rehab.

Posted by: Jan at March 10, 2011 9:24 AM

"COMMENTS THAT EXCEED THE OBSCENITY OR STUPIDITY LIMITS WILL BE EITHER EDITED OR EXPUNGED." That's what you put top and bottom of the comments area. Well, what about the post itself? It looks like you sprinkled "MILF" into that post with a salt shaker and really, isn't that exceed both obscenity and stupidity limits?

Posted by: AnObserver at March 10, 2011 12:38 PM

I must confess that after being cookie chairman for my daughter's troop back in the 1980s, the bloom is definitely off the girl scout cookie rose. Our troop netted a whole 5 cents per box sold - the rest went to national, regional and state coffers. I offered to give the troop $50 if the leader promised we'd never have to sell cookies again. Hopefully things have changed. Not to be a grinch, but the whole organization is too multi-culti for me.

Posted by: darla at March 10, 2011 5:51 PM

Yeah, I thought that concerning that rule, the phrase "of the proprietor" was implied. Which shows that the hazard of trying to idiotproof the site is that there are always bigger idiots coming along.

Posted by: Rich Fader at March 11, 2011 11:44 AM

Any time a mother is mentioned in this article, she's referred to as a "MILF." I agree with AnObserver, despite your so thoughtful "No," vanderleun. I'd see your intention in charactering the "classic" girl scout mom with that label once, if you feel like setting the scene so bluntly. Then you take away any other chance at identity and make her "MILF" at every exchange, every glance. At each use of it you forced every reader who knows the acronym to reimagine, if briefly, your lust, while you write about little girls and their cookies. Not such a tasty combination.

Posted by: Autumn at March 19, 2011 8:43 PM

Sorry for the double post. Your moderator told me I was posting here too many times and told me to come back later, and then I come back only to see that your moderator had second thoughts, so to speak, and figured I wasn't posting enough.

Posted by: Jewel at March 3, 2012 10:32 PM

Jeez, what a bunch of sourpusses! Little girls out in the world, having fun, making money to support their activities. How much better it would be if we could sit them down in a classroom somewhere and teach them how to apply for government grants to support Girl Scouts!
Went to Walmart yesterday as we knew our granddaughter's troop would be there. Jenna was having FUN! Dropped $40 for the priviledge of watching.

Posted by: Jim at March 4, 2012 6:11 AM

My experience in Girl Scouts came from my membership as a girl in Tacoma. In 1972 we were taught groupthink even then. It is from them I learned to hate the Girl Scouts. I wouldn't say that all troops are the same, but we were taught to not act like individuals or disagree with the group. Even as a ten-year old, I could see how unfair that was. I didn't last very long as a girl scout. In the sixties and seventies, almost every girl belonged to Girl Scouts.
More frightening is the assault on the Boy Scouts by hard core homosexuals. If anything, they need our support.

Posted by: Jewel at March 4, 2012 6:58 AM

That second video Gerard was CRUEL. I wouldn't be surprised to see that cute little Brownie testifying before Congress urging them to compel the American people to buy Girl Scout Cookies. Maybe there will be a new cookie made in her honor, too. We could call it the Fluke Sandie.

Posted by: Jewel at March 4, 2012 10:32 PM

I spent the majority of last Sunday sorting, bagging, and delivering orders with my GILF, and her disinterested Brownie... three boxes of cookies and five lbs later, I'm not only disgusted, but disgusting.

Posted by: Casca at March 5, 2012 7:02 AM

My grand daughter proudly informed us that she sold 86 cartons of GS cookies by herself last Saturday, then she aimed her big, beautiful brown eyes at all her aunts, uncles, grandparents, and sold a few more boxes,... for the second time.

Posted by: Terry at March 9, 2012 11:50 AM

Posted by: Douglas Jenkins at November 6, 2012 2:14 PM

I give them whatever small bills I have and run away to my car before they can force their cookies on me. Scary little girls. What's in those delicious confections they offer us. Do tin hats reflect their radio waves?

Posted by: bob sykes at March 14, 2013 7:57 PM

I always toss a few bucks their way. I'll buy a box for the office, then later simply make a donation. It's great to see kids out there, hustling for a cause.

Posted by: Estoy Listso at March 14, 2013 8:10 PM

Posted by: Estoy Listso at March 14, 2013 8:11 PM

Oh, c'mon you guys, just stop, will you. The Girl Scouts make regular attacks on the local grocery stores. So what? I just smile at them sweetly and say thanks but no thanks, your leadership are a bunch of whores and you'll get blood out of a stone before you'll get a penny out of me and keep on walking without missing a stride. It's the same approach I take to answering the phone when the vultures call during dinner. The instant I realize it's a vulture I hang up. No excuses, no apologies, just hang up without saying a word. Try it, it's easy once you get the hang of it.

Posted by: D S Craft at March 14, 2013 9:03 PM

That time of year, again, eh?

Cute is definately a powerful force, Gerard - especially if you've never had kids of your own.

(Sigh)

I like Samoas, too.

Posted by: Cond0011 at March 15, 2013 8:06 AM

Dude, I'm diabetic and can't even eat their utterly delicious Samoas or even the chocolate dipped peanut butter ones.. but I can't resist their sales pitch and end up giving them a few bucks every time I go to the store.. They're breaking my bank account!!

Posted by: Jake in Seattle at March 15, 2013 9:39 AM

When you first posted this story, my daughter wasn't old enough to be in Girl Scouts. Now she is. Suffice it to say that my dining room won't be used any time in the near future due to the mounds of cookies filling the room. On the other hand, the pile is diminishing at a rapid rate. Coincidentally, someone snuck into my closet and stitched up the waist in all of my pants.

Posted by: physics geek at March 15, 2013 10:03 AM

Their latest stakeout location is outside of professional sports arenas after the game. In the last week, I've seen them in the parking lot of a baseball spring training field and near an NHL venue. The boxes were flying off the shelves, too. Even I, who do not indulge in most sweets, couldn't resist a box each of the Samoas and Do-Si-Dos. Be thus warned!

Posted by: waltj at March 15, 2013 3:01 PM

Commercially baked cookies just don't float my boat, so it's easy to turn down the product, but not the kids. I ask them to recite the GS pledge en mass for a donation.

Very entertaining, it is.

Posted by: bjm at March 16, 2013 10:24 AM

Bertie Wooster: Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?

Jeeves: Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.

Posted by: Casca at March 16, 2013 1:31 PM