"I Hate the Rug" (Updated with a Happy Ending)

I found this short story posing as an ad on Craigslist this evening [Emphasis added]:

Area rug - 11"x(almost)8' -Pending adoption

Date: 2010-04-06, 8:29PM PDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have a huge, red area rug. My sister gave it to me about seven years ago but it is at least ten years old. It has been vacuumed at least once a month and has lived out all of it's area-rug life to date in a non-smoking house. We have two cats that have rolled over every square inch of the rug, but you really can't see much cat-hair since it is patterned with various colors, mostly red. Did I say it is red? It's red, mainly. It has tassels. They are white.

There is nothing wrong with this rug except for two things:

1. I hate it.
2. My sister does not want it back.

Do you want it? You can have it. I would love for it to go to a nice home with nice people that will be nice to it for the rest of it's area-rug life but I'm not going to be too picky. If you want to use this mainly red, be-tasseled, ginormous area rug to line your garage floor, because you think your car needs a break at the end of the day, then go for it. Just don't tell me about it. The last thing I want is to feel *guilty* about giving the rug away because I hated it too much to pack it up and bring it down to the Goodwill. That would make me hate it even more. Please don't do that to me. Just take the rug and smile.

Here is a picture of it so that you may see I am not lying when I say there is really nothing wrong with the rug (except for my undying animosity) that a good cleaning won't help. If you would like to care for this area rug please email me. Please don't email me with a phone number though because I will not call you. I can barely remember to call my mother once a week and it is highly unlikely that I'm going to call someone I don't know about a rug I can't stand. Sorry but it's true. Email is the best way. Trust me on this.

Update (Wednesday 10:30 am) A poor bare hardwood floor in Lynnwood has applied for adoption of this rug. I have left the ad up in case the people change their mind and decide to go IKEA instead. I extend my heartfelt appreciation to all those people that have answered this ad in the same tone as it was written. You all have been very kind...

...Except for you Frank. Next time, read the WHOLE d*mn thing before you reply.

---

And now for.... the rest of the story:

In which Snickerpants fills us in on the union: The Ballad of the Be-tasseled Area Rug: A Love Story

Bare hardwood floored living room

in a 1939 colonial in Lynnwood is applying for adoption of your elegant rug. For the last few years my owners have been moving to Switzerland and have stripped me of all my dignity – the last to go was my prized Karastan rug which was the last touch of warmth in my life. Now I echo and in my search for new owners I am sure this will be a detriment.

Dear Bare, hardwood floored living room,

I spent many years in Lynnwood. It is a nice area. I would love to get back there. Please, come rescue me from this miserable existance. The people here hate me. I just know they do. I can feel it every time they step on me.

Dear future hearth-mate,

My owners will arrive with bells to match your tassels. Don’t be dismayed about the means of conveyance to our union. I am sure our next owners will drive a better class of vehicle – more in suiting to our high standards. As it is, please excuse the shabby 92 green honda pulling a rusty utility trailer that will arrive to whisk you out of your current misery to Lynnwood. Tis but a short drive to warmth and comfort. Shall we have a fire in the fireplace tonight to celebrate?
Yours, Floor

Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your hearth?

Posted by Vanderleun at April 8, 2010 11:46 AM