May 21, 2008

Family Plans: Planks from the Emerging Democrat Majority's Party Platform

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As the aptly named "Party of Choice" lumbers toward Denver to be reborn a number of campaign offices are being abandoned after their primaries. In my day job as a slunk recycler for Waste Management I'm often called to don the SCUBA and dive deep into dubious Democrat dumpsters in order to certify them as Superfund Sites. During one such "excursion" in a deadly Democrat dumpster at an undisclosed location I came across the following memo which outlines some of the major issues the Democrat Party will campaign on as soon as it figures out just whose party it really is.

I'm not sure who wrote it, but the initials in the approval boxes are "HRC" and "BHO" framed inside a scribbled heart with the acronyms "B.F.F." and "F.F.F.F." underneath. The lipstick lip-print was a nice touch too.

May 20, 2008
To: Their Supreme Beings BHO & HRC
From: Howard the Duck
Re: Family Planks for Our Platform

Abortions R' US (also known as "MAAAA! 1.5"): Abortions. Still vexing after all these years.

What the country wants to see is where we really stand on this issue. Fair enough. As they say in the porn industry, "Let's cut to the fucking." Here's our program:

Mandatory Abortions for All Americans After 1.5 children ("MAAAA! 1.5") Mandatory, of course, for everybody except special Congress people and high-net worth Democratic donors -- who can breed or buy one or two more kids every election cycle from approved orphanages of pre-selected, super-cute and house-broken 3rd-world children. Everybody else gets "MAAAA! 1.5" as one of our new and improved RNFBR ("Rights Not Found in the Bill of Rights") program.

To make it easy and cheap for our constituents to obtain this valuable service, all Democrats in the House and Senate will receive funding to open abortion clinics in the back rooms or adjoining alleyways of all their offices back in their home states. This will ensure that this service is kept free to all as well as enabling us to extract "suggested donations for The Party" at the door.

To keep ordinary nationalized doctor's offices available for real illness and emergencies and control costs, our "Congress Clinics" will also be mandated to employ alien medical staff without green cards, but only if they can produce a "Certified" Medical degree from a local Kinkos.

Eco-rider to "Abortions R' US " ("ER-MAAAA! 1.5"): To better conserve the scarce resources of our eternally-endangered Planet, all aborted fetuses, regardless of Party affiliation, will be harvested into beer coolers, packed with dry ice, and dispersed by means of Lear Jets to Federal tissue and organ banks for the future use of important Americans such as politicians, film-stars, dotcom millionaires, and their heirs and assigns in good standing with the DNC.

More stored abortions means a better chance of a perfect match should members of these groups pack in their livers, kidneys, brains, or sexual organs with booze, boys, drugs or the standard Democrat combo of all three. If this had been done 40 years ago, Walt Disney would still be alive, would have switched his party affiliation in exchange for a couple of kidneys, and would now be producing some the greatest gay anime porn in history.

StemWinding in Our Time ("SWOT"): In keeping with the Eco-Rider to "MAAAA! 1.5," and other pilot programs to harvest and recycle all US, Canadian and Mexican medical waste, and not just hypodermic needles to keep our junkie constituents happy, stem cells will also be harvested from the new Strategic American Fetus Reserve ("SAFR"). These vast Petri-dish collections will be dispersed to the newly created network of Federal StemScientist Laboratories ("FedStem") in all the 50 states -- plus "The Pelosi Clinic" in American Samoa.

"FedStem" labs will be fully-funded so that they can better muck about with the basic building blocks of life. Before being dispersed, all stem-cell harvests will be clearly labeled as to their genetic/racial/gender makeup so that the stemcell's membership in an endangered-victim group can be noted and Federally-mandated "Future Victim" quotas can be fulfilled. Stem-cells found to be associated with any majority or Republican group will be returned to the point of origin for incineration along with the donor.

It is hoped that our mandatory abortions ("MAAAA! 1.5") will create enough stem cells to supply all the experiments that FedStem can dream up, but if the supply falls short mandatory stem cell collection will automatically be instituted via midnight raids on gated Republican communities.

The Better Americans Through Diversity Bill ("BAD"): Let's face it, too many Americans, when it comes to marriage, are still sticking to their own kind. Some even, sadly, persist in marrying persons of the opposite sex and, in extreme cases, of the same race as well.

BAD solves that via forced marriages for the diversity-impaired. This bill, which requires all Americans to register their race, color, creed and national origin at birth, will give a much needed high-colonic to the presently stalled "Coffee Colored Compromise."

Good Democrats know well that the natural leanings of love often make mistakes (as opposed to the unnatural), but with good Democratic government the mistakes that the normals make can always be rectified. Because some critics have referred to this as "eugenics," the BAD Bill will mandate that it be called "newgenics."

With full-funding and draconian enforcement (which may or may not extend to mass sterilisations ), we Democrats have no doubt that we can create Newgenic Americans, the Unirace, within a decade -- especially if we offer free-sex weekends to selected teenagers during the school year in the gym.

To ensure an optimum mix of teenage and pre-teen breeding stock, bussing will be employed between such areas as, for example, Beverly Hills and South Central. To ensure that "race-neutral" breeding takes place as scheduled, fully-qualified members of the National Teachers Union will be paid double-time to dose the punch, douse the lights, oversee, test-mount, and otherwise render advice and position instructions during these "Prom" replacement festivals.

The Dynamic Diversity Blowout Bill ("DDBO"): Here we would take a privilege previously reserved for the Democratic Hollywood elite and extend it to the Democratic Party masses via 3rd world baby adoption with a tax rebate. With two 3rd world baby adoptions in a year, you would get a five-year tax holiday. With three you would get egg roll.

The Be Kind to Border Jumpers Bill ("BKBJ"): To replace the millions of Democratic voters sadly culled by the "MAAAA! 1.5", illegal aliens, regardless of country of origin, will receive a Diversity's Kidz Wavier (DKW) that requires them to have 5 to 12 children. Automatic citizenship will be granted the entire family and friends network upon the birth of the illegal alien's fifth child, or their third donation to the Strategic American Fetus Reserve ("SAFR"), which ever comes first. Illegal aliens having five or more children and making four donations to the Strategic American Fetus Reserve ("SAFR") will be awarded a mule, 40 acres, and a split-level bungalow with a six-car lawn in Death Valley.

The Family Esteem Statute ("FES"): As the Democrats' definition of "Family" expands to encompass everything on the North American continent up to and including the caribou herds roaming the Alaskan tundra and the tundra too, it will be important for them not to just legislate but to educate as well.

After a long-overdue purge of local school boards and National Teachers Association recidivists, this act mandates hands-on kindergarten sex education from trained NAMBLA professionals who have previously been forbidden to live with 2,000 yards of a school, but whom we will now return to useful roles in Democrat society.

In order to bring pride and empowerment back to the millions of single mothers of five under the age of 20, the phrase 'little bastard' shall be expunged from all dictionaries and literature, to be replaced with "village child."

Circumcision will be defined in said dictionaries and literature as "child abuse, no religious excuses, get over it." Previously circumcised citizens of the demonstrably male persuasion who feel cut off from their foreskins will be given, upon signing a pledge to vote Democrat, $250,000 grants to have replacement foreskins regrown at the FedStem tissue banks and reattached through the miracles of microsurgery. Should the procedure cost less, the grant recipients may either elect to spend the money on a boy-probing trip to Brunai, or have a couple of extra inches tacked on to their johnsons just for fun.

The Comprehensive Anticipatory Child Care Act (CACCA): Given the well-known levels of stress and undue expense involved in raising a child, any parent may, upon application and proof of a solid Democratic voting record, have the child removed from the home and stored in a government-approved Foster Child Care Farm ("FCCF").

These "FCCF" institutions shall be established in the homes of, or on the property confiscated from, any American shown to have voted Republican -- federal, state, or local -- since the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Upon his completion of re-education, formal denunciation of "Republicanism" and his embrace of "Democratic Values" former Rep. Mark Foley will be appointed to administer this program as Teen Czar for Life.

The Dress for Survival Act ("DFSA"): "Stop that running! You'll put your eye out! Don't play in the street! Watch it! Watch it!"

Who among us has not felt compelled to break our child's will with this kind of unfeeling and emotional criticism? And yet, children continue to be killed, maimed or get a boo-boo every day. With the passage of the "DFSA" this will come to a halt as all American children when exiting their bed will be required to don full-body Eddy Murphy-certified fat suits to prevent any injury whatsoever. The cost for this program will not create any new personal taxes because it will be funded by a 100% tax on oil-company profits.

The Four Non-polluting Wheels for All Program ("FNPWAP"): Bicycles? Two wheels? You've got to be kidding! Millions of accidents waiting to happen. With the onset of FNPWAP all bicycles will be confiscated and placed into our newly un-dammed ("Free!") rivers as fish habitats. Every American, at birth, will be issued a quadracycle (with basket) for their errands. The quadracycles will also involve no new taxes as they will be funded by a 100% tax on all oil-company revenues left after the 100% tax on 100% of their profits.

The Traditional Family Readjustment Act ("TAFRA"): In keeping with the goals of "The Family Esteem Statute," the words "mother" and "father" and their derivatives in daily speech are to be replaced by first names of parents (if both are known - if either or both are not known, "Hillary" and "Obama" are to be used). In addition, the Fifth Commandment shall be expunged from all present and future Holy Books, as will all similar religious references to "Honoring thy father and thy mother" unless found in the Koran .

The You're Not the Boss of Me Bill ("YNBM"): Criticizing, looking sternly at, correcting, or in any way reducing a child's beautifully natural self-esteem from infancy to 35 years of age shall be a misdemeanor. Touching a child with corrective intent shall be a felony. As a bonus, this extends to any handling of the child's feces. Both these prohibitions will be subsumed under the new law informally known as "No Child's Behind."

The Universal Marriage of Everything Act ("UME"): Men, women, dogs, cats, goats, or Barbra Streisand in that hideous Focker movie. We don't care. If you can fondle it you can marry it. Complaints or whining about this fundamental fundamental will be punishable by summary execution, the better to cull the herd.

The Divorce with Benefits Act ("DWB"): Except upon proof of the murder of a spouse, all Divorces shall be no fault and instantaneous, but must be adjudicated as no-fault to a minimum of $50,000 in legal fees so that the feelings of Trial Lawyers are not hurt by this ruling.

Gay divorces, should one ever actually occur, are exempt from the monetary awards of this act, but all window-treatments shall be divided equally along with the Spode China, so buy the 12 place set. For the first five years of this act, all gay divorces (should any ever actually occur) will be required to be done on a TV reality show so that Judge Judy, a judgemental shrew and probable Republican, shall not profit from this act.

Upon hetero or bi-sexual divorce, being declared officially to be no-fault on the part of any individual no matter how many people or species shall have been in the marriage, any male involved in the divorce shall be required to pay to a designated female involved in the no fault divorce (should there actually be any females in the marriage in the first place), a minimum of 60% of his before tax income calculated backwards to the date of the first kiss in the relationship that would later become marriage.

Should 1.5 children have arisen from the Union before the mandatory abortions kicked in, the father shall pay a total of 20% of his before tax income to towards the care of those children until they reach the Democrat adult age of 35.

Should the female remarry and bear any children to the next husband, the husband of the first marriage shall be required to pay 10% of his before tax income to the children of the second marriage since the female never would have had them if he hadn't been such a sex-crazed bastard in the first place.

Alimony and support provisions shall be waved of any couple, or pairing of species, that shall have split up without being married since the circumstances of their birth and ancestry doubtless compelled them to live in such a way.

Any children fathered out-of-wedlock in the United States shall be considered for inclusion, at the mother's whim, in a Foster Child Care Farm (see above) and endowed with a trust-fund of no less than $3,000,000 from the moment of conception in order to pay for advanced education or heroin addiction.

Until they reach the age of consent, now reduced to 10 years of age, all the interest from said trust fund shall be paid in monthly installments to the birth mother. At the age of consent, the principle of the trust fund will be passed to the 10 year old child to do with as he or she or it sees fit, while the birth mother shall receive a one-time balloon payment of $500,000 tax-free.

These programs shall be fully funded via the new Windfall Profits Tax on Windfall Profits Taxes.

Nothing in these bills shall be construed to represent an attack on Marriage, which the Democratic party still holds to be a sacred union between any one warm-blooded life form and another, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, gender (assumed or assigned) and species. Mammal to fish, reptile, insect or plant marriage is still outlawed under these provisions because you simply must draw a line somewhere and because we have not yet located a constituent group in the other life forms.

The Spiritual Revivification and Normalization Constitutional Amendment ("SPANCA"): To eliminate all future arguments about "The Family" and other contentious questions about which religion is "best," all children born after the passage of these bills will be sent to one church and one church only, "The First Unitarian Church of the Agnostic Atheist." Only Muslim children will be exempted this necessary adjustment to their spiritual psyches since, well, they have suffered enough.

Respectfully submitted for your joint perusal and approval,
Howard the Duck, Chairman DNC

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Posted by Vanderleun at May 21, 2008 6:37 AM | TrackBack
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AMERICAN DIGEST HOME
"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

In a roundabout way, this all begs the question: How have we managed to completely ignore the fact that we can't elect ANYbody president, because to do so will be obviously exclusionary, and let's face it, EVERYBODY has a right to be president? We can't go not electing people just because they don't qualify, or are stupid, or are not American or are just a heck of a lot better at baseball than speaking intelligently.

Speaking of baseball - I hear there are schools in California that actually don't use ANY balls in gym class anymore. Finally, the death trap that is kickball has been snuffed out!

Posted by: Andy at May 21, 2008 7:19 AM

Well, it's a start, but more needs to be done. Don't forget The WMMBPTE: White Males Must Be Punished Then Exterminated Act. How in hell do we get back to the 7th century with those guys hanging around.

Posted by: Oracle of Delaware at May 22, 2008 7:23 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated to combat spam and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.










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