[Via email today. Hey, it's new on the Web if it is new to me. Okay?]
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years....
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
If only. I hate change but I'd move without a second thought to a state that filed for this divorce.
Lucy
Posted by: Lucy at July 16, 2009 2:30 PMI don't know if Mossberg can force a divorce but I know my Remington will get me out of a tight spot.
Adios lefties - and we WILL protect OUR borders.
Sign. Me. Up.
Posted by: JD Sherman at July 16, 2009 2:45 PMOh, if only it were that simple. I'd move in heartbeat.
Posted by: Julie at July 16, 2009 3:29 PMMy Seattle friend, we are now even.
Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at July 16, 2009 8:19 PMAll fine except Wall Street is the party of the Democrats, or vice versa. So I think Wall Street goes to the other side.
Posted by: Fred at July 17, 2009 8:06 AMI believe, to that end, you would see the vast majority of conservatives extend themselves enthusiastically toward any program that had a practical chance of success, and find the reverse to be true of the left--the fact is, they don't want anything or anybody to be left alone; they live to arrange everything for people they don't know and don't even like. That is their nature, and you be would be robbing them their opinion of themselves.
There is no amicable divorce in our future.
In California they may outvote us, but will not outshoot us.
I say we line up at the Canadian border, and start marching south with guns leveled at their bellies, sweep east after locking the border with Mexico closed, and continue until Key West, where we can do a reverse Mariel boatlift, and send them home to their promised land, Cuba.
I'm down with most of that, but I'll be shooting anyone who "finds" my Forrester.
OTOH, they're welcome to all the Prius's.
Posted by: bud at July 17, 2009 6:00 PM"[Y]ou may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas." - Davy Crockett
Fortunately, I'm already here! (In TX, I mean.)
Posted by: newton at July 18, 2009 1:04 PMLet's start with TX, NM, AZ, NV, ID, CO, OK, MT, WY, MS, MO, SD & ND. That's thirteen, so we can use the old '13 colonies' flag. We can include northern CA or WA to gain a pacific coast port. Tell the 'Progressives' you go with your vision of government and we'll go with ours. In a decade the quality of live will look like north and south Korea.
Posted by: dancinpete at July 18, 2009 1:38 PMGreat proposal, but I objected to to the Subaru section. I live in a mountainous, red county of a blue state, and many of us drive Subarus. All wheel drive, reliable, comparatively inexpensive.
Otherwise, let's do it.
@dancinpete Please include AL in that list, you're gonna need some whisky...
Posted by: jay-dubya at August 12, 2009 4:34 AM
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