Whoa, dude, shut up, already! You've lost that loving feeling. You are bumming us out, harshing our mellow, killing our buzz and, in general, just bringing us down every time you open your mouth.
Here's a hint. Stay in the House. Kick back, take some deep hits on the clue bong, and chill out, dude. You're supposed to be cool, right? Right. So, hey, like be cool okay?
I don't know who's pumping the toxic text into your teleprompter, but get that guy on some pharmaceutical grade meds stat. I suggest 50 grains of Seconal IV twice daily. Anything to get that kid down from his high-grade Acid Flashback involving outtakes from Halloween IX. Too scary for the average American, don't you know?
Next thing up on your ever-expanding To-Do list is a Zen task: Practice doing nothing, zero, zip, niente, nada. For about two weeks. Stay at home and spend some quality time with your family that doesn't involve taking the wife out for dinner at a cost of around $10 million in air and limo charges after we warm up Air Force One and put the country's biggest SUV on the road.
Yup, do nothing except, well, get up in the morning and, like millions of others who still have a job, go to the job. Go to the office. Sit in the big papa bear chair behind the new sign that reads "The Buck Would Stop Here If We Had A Buck!" Close the mouth, open the mind, fo-cus and get some work done.
Enough with the skipping around the country like some Nordictracked male model hot for the next photo-op. Let the people see the President at work doing the People's business instead of on the road doing monkey business.
(And I'm not referring to that freaked out chimp who was locking lips with that weird chick the other day, or to any other simian moment or allusion that would get get Al Sharpton out of bed without strapping on his drool cup, but to "Monkey Business" as in the Marx Brother's movie of the same name.)
Except of course if you wanted to make like Harpo and just honk on a horn for a bit and then knock out a couple of soothing harp solos.
Soothing's what we'd like a little bit of right now, dude. Not more bring-downs and bummers. You are just not being the mellow dude we thought you'd be in those real sharp suits. Instead, you are harshing the mellow every time you open your mouth.
So just take a break for a bit and let the country catch its breath. Dig it. What ever you think you're doing, it. is. not. helping. It. is. bumming. us. out.
Enough with the endless billion/trillion bills and the fat fear mongering. Enough with the angry school marm lecturing. Enough with the big daddy warnings of stiffer punishment to come if we don't shape up like right now.
Face it, man, every time you talk about saving and creating jobs thousands of people get ejected out of their jobs with a JATO assist from whatever policy you seem to be whipping out at the moment. Every time you speak of the future it gets grimmer.
Lately it seems that all you have to do is glance away from the teleprompter and hesitate and, boom!, there goes another 100 point drop in the Dow. And then, when you find the next sentence and say it, whap! there's goes another 100 points. I'm not sure if the Dow can sink beneath absolute zero, but I'm not curious to find out. Maybe that sort of "experimentation" seems far out and groovy to you, but I'm not into smoking PCP myself so just put "the idea of the day" down and step away from the policy.
Enough with the FDR schtick. Get it on with your inner Calvin Coolidge. Don't declare a bank holiday. Declare a blather holiday.
Take a prime time moment on all networks, look the country in the eye and say, "Hey, I know I've been a buzz-killing, bummer, bring-down for the last month and I'm sorry. We all need to take a break and get some time off. My advisors tell me that the only thing wrong with the country is that everyone has gotten one drink or one toke behind. I don't know about you, but I'm going to catch up right now. Cheers and smoke 'em in you got 'em. If you need me, text me. I'll be chilling in my crib. See you in two weeks."
That's a change that could bring us hope.**
** Four Block World adds this note this morning: