Money, money, money. That's all you hear these days. Hundreds of billions, working on a trillion. Banks need a bailout. Cars need a bailout. Housing needs a bailout. You need a bailout. I need a bailout. Even President Obama needs a bailout from his bailout. Everywhere you go we're tapped out, busted, broke. Let's face it, we need money. It's time for tough choices and tougher love.
Where, oh where, shall this money be found? It is to be found, it would seem, far out on the ocean of the future dead center in the Sargasso Sea of debt. But why borrow from the future when you can simply liquidate under-performing assets in the present? Isn't it better to turn useless stuff you've got just lying around into cash than to take on new debt? Especially if a lot of the new debt is going to pay off the old debt? Of course it is.
The rush to borrow from the future ignores some very tangible assets here at home that could be used to give us all, citizens and government alike, a very nice hit from the money machine.
Traveling through Florida, as I have been for some weeks, you see these underutilized assets all about you. They are everywhere, like rich, virgin topsoil ready to be planted and then harvested. What's more, harvesting these assets to put some real money into circulation does not go against the core values of the ruling Democratic majority. It merely extends them to the logical conclusion. Like the culling of the herd before birth through the use of abortion to get the nonproductive out of the way before they can consume resources, it is time our older citizens -- far past their usefulness, their productive years, but likely to consume lots of resources for decades to come -- were, quite simply, liquidated.
Yes, it's time for mom and pop and granny and grandpop to go. All 37 million of them must be transformed from codger to compost if the American dream is not to become a new-age nightmare. It's time for a government program from coast to coast to make sure that every American over the age of 65 takes one for the team -- in the form of a government approved and delivered .22 bullet in the back of the head.
Now I know that some may think me harsh in my prescription for continuing prosperity among the Baby Boomers and their offspring, but hear me out because, to coin a phrase, "There's gold in them thar grannies."
The summary execution of every man and woman in America over the age of 65 brings two immediate benefits to the United States.
First, it eliminates any call these 37 million Americans might have on Social Security and Medicare. The savings and positive cash flow that will accrue from this government program are obvious.
As we all know, the Social Security Administration (SSa) essentially bet, many years ago, that a lot of people who paid into this Mother of All Ponzi Schemes would simply not live to collect their benefits in any significant degree. It was a "You pay but don't play" sort of deal. As long as the dead suckers outnumbered the living suckers, all was copacetic.
Now that, through the wonders of Medicare, our elderly can suck down benefits for one, two, or even three decades after 65, the Reverse-Ponzi kicks in and people actually get more out than they ever put in. Looking to "get more out than you put in" is, arguably, the attitude that got us into this mess in the first place.
But even now, this cost is still controllable. It merely requires the will. The drain on the ready cash of the nation by the old has got to be stopped by a government approved and delivered .22 bullet before the next check can be cashed. Making this a priority for the Obama Administration's next Executive Order can put a whole new meaning to the previously benign SSa.
And since the dead can't use the services of Medicare beyond a cut-rate body bag and the rental of a gurney journey to the mass grave next to the spent fuel rod storage site in Nevada, trillions will be saved here as well. In addition, hundreds of thousands of hospital beds will be made available to the morbidly obese Baby Boomers when they just have to lie down and take a break from scooting about in their electric "mobility chairs" after an exhausting day of downloading porn at work.
But wait. There's more.
Not only would this herd cull, this mass kill-off, save many trillions of dollars in SS and Medicare payments, it would also deliver that single thing that most Americans have been praying for in the last few months -- their own personal bailout, otherwise known as "an inheritance."
From house trailers to mansions, from piggy banks to Swiss bank accounts, the elderly among us have been, let's face it, holding out. What good is money to a person too weak to withstand a weekend in Vegas? What good is money when the main purchase at the market is dog food rather than shade-grown, free-trade cruelty-free foie gras? No good at all.
Be candid with yourself. How many other boomers do you know that have been quietly praying for their elders to kick off sooner rather than later so they can move into the Florida condo and ebay away all those lamps from 1958 in order to redo the kitchen with those horrid avocado appliances? Plenty. And you know it.
And, let's face it, mom and dad may have been "hot" once, but they really aren't all that pleasant to look at now, are they? Isn't it better for all of us to cash them out now before they can do something foolish like sell the house and give the money to the Bide-A-Wee Fund for Anorexic Manatees?
Let's not forget that the Obamament gets a slice of their corpse cake too. And if there is anything in the world who needs money more than the Obama administration, it is hard to find it. These people have promises to pay off and those gold toilet seats in the Trade Unions bathrooms simply cannot wait. Plus you don't really think Air Force One flies on angel farts, do you? Nope. This government needs money to bailout the bailout. If it is patriotic to pay more taxes, it is super-patriotic to off grandma and spilt the loot with Congress.
A third benefit is a jobs program right here and right now. And for the disadvantaged as well.
It might take some training to teach an urban youth basic skills such as "showing up on time for work" since they have only had eight to twelve years of expensive education, but it takes none at all to have urban youth sneak up on grandpa and "bust a cap in his skanky ass." This new class of SSa worker allows us to put jobs, paying jobs, that the worker already knows how to do on the street tomorrow. "A hit tomorrow = a pay check Friday" should be the new slogan of the Obama Works Administration (OWA!). This should not be, I hasten to add, a kind of "WPA" (We Putter Around) retread of the glorious FDR years, but a new take on killing for the state with both quotas and bounties for all.
The willing youth workers of America await. All that is required is a government regulated .22 pistol and a few boxes of ammunition each.
In the unquenchable spirit of "Yes, we can!" there is opportunity in this act for those that want to give back and pitch in to make America great again. Families that take culling into their own hands and transport the bodies of their mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers to their local Transplant Parts Recycling Unit will be paid the bounty plus an eco-bonus for helping the government clean up after itself and keeping the country green through recycling properly. In addition they get to feel like "really good people" for reducing the carbon-footprint that the elderly would leave if they were left alive. People presenting two or more bodies will be given a bumper-sticker autographed by the Secretary of the Interior proclaiming "Dad's Dead That the Planet May Live."
I need hardly add that this herd culling will be a one-time government stimulus program designed to get rid of 37 million drags on our society, and that Baby Boomers, many of whom are approaching 65, have nothing to fear in the future. Congress will sunset this law 18 months after it is enacted if there are enough members left alive to form a quorum.
To recap the benefits of "The Cull:"
A cost-saving program going forward that will return Social Security and Medicare to solvency.
A large cash infusion to individuals (survivors) and the government alike as trillions in assets are liquidated and taxed.
A jobs-creation program for unemployed and previously unemployable Urban Youth which will do much to enhance their self-esteem.
I call for the ruling party to put aside their own ages, draft appropriate legislation (with the proviso that all guns and ammunition be 'Made in America'), and move the bills into law. After all, a party that can kill millions of babies ("for their own good") should have no problem popping a cap in granny's ass.
Finally, I should like to apologize to my sweet gray-haired mother for whatever may happen to her in the future, but, hey mom, it's you or me. And, as all good Baby Boomers from the President down know, it's always been "all about me."Posted by Vanderleun at January 16, 2013 10:24 AM | TrackBack