January 16, 2013

Bailing Out The Tomb Boomers: "There's gold in them thar grannies."

Granny-Clampett.jpgMoney, money, money. That's all you hear these days. Hundreds of billions, working on a trillion. Banks need a bailout. Cars need a bailout. Housing needs a bailout. You need a bailout. I need a bailout. Even President Obama needs a bailout from his bailout. Everywhere you go we're tapped out, busted, broke. Let's face it, we need money. It's time for tough choices and tougher love.

Where, oh where, shall this money be found? It is to be found, it would seem, far out on the ocean of the future dead center in the Sargasso Sea of debt. But why borrow from the future when you can simply liquidate under-performing assets in the present? Isn't it better to turn useless stuff you've got just lying around into cash than to take on new debt? Especially if a lot of the new debt is going to pay off the old debt? Of course it is.

The rush to borrow from the future ignores some very tangible assets here at home that could be used to give us all, citizens and government alike, a very nice hit from the money machine.

Traveling through Florida, as I have been for some weeks, you see these underutilized assets all about you. They are everywhere, like rich, virgin topsoil ready to be planted and then harvested. What's more, harvesting these assets to put some real money into circulation does not go against the core values of the ruling Democratic majority. It merely extends them to the logical conclusion. Like the culling of the herd before birth through the use of abortion to get the nonproductive out of the way before they can consume resources, it is time our older citizens -- far past their usefulness, their productive years, but likely to consume lots of resources for decades to come -- were, quite simply, liquidated.

Yes, it's time for mom and pop and granny and grandpop to go. All 37 million of them must be transformed from codger to compost if the American dream is not to become a new-age nightmare. It's time for a government program from coast to coast to make sure that every American over the age of 65 takes one for the team -- in the form of a government approved and delivered .22 bullet in the back of the head.


Now I know that some may think me harsh in my prescription for continuing prosperity among the Baby Boomers and their offspring, but hear me out because, to coin a phrase, "There's gold in them thar grannies."

The summary execution of every man and woman in America over the age of 65 brings two immediate benefits to the United States.

First, it eliminates any call these 37 million Americans might have on Social Security and Medicare. The savings and positive cash flow that will accrue from this government program are obvious.

As we all know, the Social Security Administration (SSa) essentially bet, many years ago, that a lot of people who paid into this Mother of All Ponzi Schemes would simply not live to collect their benefits in any significant degree. It was a "You pay but don't play" sort of deal. As long as the dead suckers outnumbered the living suckers, all was copacetic.

Now that, through the wonders of Medicare, our elderly can suck down benefits for one, two, or even three decades after 65, the Reverse-Ponzi kicks in and people actually get more out than they ever put in. Looking to "get more out than you put in" is, arguably, the attitude that got us into this mess in the first place.

But even now, this cost is still controllable. It merely requires the will. The drain on the ready cash of the nation by the old has got to be stopped by a government approved and delivered .22 bullet before the next check can be cashed. Making this a priority for the Obama Administration's next Executive Order can put a whole new meaning to the previously benign SSa.

And since the dead can't use the services of Medicare beyond a cut-rate body bag and the rental of a gurney journey to the mass grave next to the spent fuel rod storage site in Nevada, trillions will be saved here as well. In addition, hundreds of thousands of hospital beds will be made available to the morbidly obese Baby Boomers when they just have to lie down and take a break from scooting about in their electric "mobility chairs" after an exhausting day of downloading porn at work.

But wait. There's more.

Not only would this herd cull, this mass kill-off, save many trillions of dollars in SS and Medicare payments, it would also deliver that single thing that most Americans have been praying for in the last few months -- their own personal bailout, otherwise known as "an inheritance."

From house trailers to mansions, from piggy banks to Swiss bank accounts, the elderly among us have been, let's face it, holding out. What good is money to a person too weak to withstand a weekend in Vegas? What good is money when the main purchase at the market is dog food rather than shade-grown, free-trade cruelty-free foie gras? No good at all.

Be candid with yourself. How many other boomers do you know that have been quietly praying for their elders to kick off sooner rather than later so they can move into the Florida condo and ebay away all those lamps from 1958 in order to redo the kitchen with those horrid avocado appliances? Plenty. And you know it.

And, let's face it, mom and dad may have been "hot" once, but they really aren't all that pleasant to look at now, are they? Isn't it better for all of us to cash them out now before they can do something foolish like sell the house and give the money to the Bide-A-Wee Fund for Anorexic Manatees?

Let's not forget that the Obamament gets a slice of their corpse cake too. And if there is anything in the world who needs money more than the Obama administration, it is hard to find it. These people have promises to pay off and those gold toilet seats in the Trade Unions bathrooms simply cannot wait. Plus you don't really think Air Force One flies on angel farts, do you? Nope. This government needs money to bailout the bailout. If it is patriotic to pay more taxes, it is super-patriotic to off grandma and spilt the loot with Congress.

A third benefit is a jobs program right here and right now. And for the disadvantaged as well.

It might take some training to teach an urban youth basic skills such as "showing up on time for work" since they have only had eight to twelve years of expensive education, but it takes none at all to have urban youth sneak up on grandpa and "bust a cap in his skanky ass." This new class of SSa worker allows us to put jobs, paying jobs, that the worker already knows how to do on the street tomorrow. "A hit tomorrow = a pay check Friday" should be the new slogan of the Obama Works Administration (OWA!). This should not be, I hasten to add, a kind of "WPA" (We Putter Around) retread of the glorious FDR years, but a new take on killing for the state with both quotas and bounties for all.

The willing youth workers of America await. All that is required is a government regulated .22 pistol and a few boxes of ammunition each.

In the unquenchable spirit of "Yes, we can!" there is opportunity in this act for those that want to give back and pitch in to make America great again. Families that take culling into their own hands and transport the bodies of their mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers to their local Transplant Parts Recycling Unit will be paid the bounty plus an eco-bonus for helping the government clean up after itself and keeping the country green through recycling properly. In addition they get to feel like "really good people" for reducing the carbon-footprint that the elderly would leave if they were left alive. People presenting two or more bodies will be given a bumper-sticker autographed by the Secretary of the Interior proclaiming "Dad's Dead That the Planet May Live."

I need hardly add that this herd culling will be a one-time government stimulus program designed to get rid of 37 million drags on our society, and that Baby Boomers, many of whom are approaching 65, have nothing to fear in the future. Congress will sunset this law 18 months after it is enacted if there are enough members left alive to form a quorum.

To recap the benefits of "The Cull:"
A cost-saving program going forward that will return Social Security and Medicare to solvency.
A large cash infusion to individuals (survivors) and the government alike as trillions in assets are liquidated and taxed.
A jobs-creation program for unemployed and previously unemployable Urban Youth which will do much to enhance their self-esteem.

I call for the ruling party to put aside their own ages, draft appropriate legislation (with the proviso that all guns and ammunition be 'Made in America'), and move the bills into law. After all, a party that can kill millions of babies ("for their own good") should have no problem popping a cap in granny's ass.

Finally, I should like to apologize to my sweet gray-haired mother for whatever may happen to her in the future, but, hey mom, it's you or me. And, as all good Baby Boomers from the President down know, it's always been "all about me."

Posted by Vanderleun at January 16, 2013 10:24 AM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Gerard. Dude. I love your blog but whoa! This one was not your best work. Way too cynical & caustic (and I LOVE cynical & caustic!). Dark, man. Very. Dark. If you came back from vacation with that on your mind you may not have gone to the right place.

Posted by: Staring In Disbelief at February 6, 2009 6:59 AM

Oh c'mon, the first third of your average Coen Brothers movie has more dark humor than this. I thought it was great.

One thing you missed though Gerard:

Whenever the September 11 attacks are explained away as "we had it coming because of our foreign policy" and "the world got mad at us," those bits of the world that got all ticked off, are the death-worshippers. Surely they'd love us all to pieces if we were to put your plan in place.

So this is actually a bold, daring, dramatic proposal for a new era of diplomacy. In addition to the manufacturing of badly-needed compost.

Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at February 6, 2009 7:39 AM

Jonathan, is that you?
You forgot to mention all the bovine-produced methane that could be reduced if only we'd make use of the elderly in place of much of the cattle we're currently using, for everything from leather to plastics. Reduce, reuse, recycle!

Posted by: Julie at February 6, 2009 8:05 AM

I considered that a rather light telling and retelling of the Ancient Mariner's Tale.

"Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
'Twas sad as sad could be ;
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the sea !
All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion ;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean."

....

"And now this spell was snapt : once more
I viewed the ocean green,
And looked far forth, yet little saw
Of what had else been seen--
Like one, that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turned round walks on,
And turns no more his head ;
Because he knows, a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread."

Posted by: vanderleun at February 6, 2009 8:07 AM

Isn't this a Democrat voting demographic they'd be, ah, eliminating? How bold, how visionary, how selfless.
And really, so many people are already just mailing it in at 60, don't you think?
There could be a test, like counting backward by sevens from 500.

Posted by: james wilson at February 6, 2009 8:12 AM

I've said the Soylent Green reality was approaching, but this is an even bigger time saver. Of course, geezers should still be processed into tasty treats for the yutes to munch as the make their appointed rounds.

Posted by: cbullitt at February 6, 2009 9:19 AM

And since the dead can't use the services of Medicare beyond a cut-rate body bag and the rental of a gurney journey to the mass grave next to the spent fuel rod storage site in Nevada, trillions will be saved here as well.


I really must take issue with you on this one. You fail to take into account the law of unintended consequences, here.

Near the spent fuel rods!?! Dude, that's gonna cause zombies. You want zombies running around? They'll need housing, welfare, a bailout, retraining, and worst of all, brains.

And then we're all gonna get shuffled into sensitivity training classes to learn how to cope with the eccentricities of our new neighbors. (They'll be placed in group homes in a suburb near you.)

No more Friday night poker for the next six weeks. Imagine being stuck in the supermarket line behind some undead corpse who can't figure out how to use the pin pad.

Better to dump 'em in the ocean, and let the bottom feeders do the recycling for us. It's the Earth Friendly way.

JWM

Posted by: jwm at February 6, 2009 9:37 AM

Thanks from a Swift fan.

Posted by: Michigan Republican at February 6, 2009 9:53 AM

Think of it as a Native American empowerment in a european culture.
(Eskimo, ice floe, etc... I know, SLAP, bad ed!)

Posted by: ed in texas at February 6, 2009 10:30 AM

Gerard, an exquisitely Modest Proposal. Well done. Again. We have missed you recently. Cheers.

Posted by: RussSmith at February 6, 2009 12:13 PM

I'm 70; my wife is not yet 65. She read your piece and then asked me where "our" pistol was? I didn't tell her because, as I explained to her, you were only joking. You were only joking, Gerard, right? Right?

Posted by: viktor silo at February 6, 2009 1:37 PM

Get your Avian Flu here. Fresh H5N1 spilled off the truck. Yours for a small fee, and plausible deniability guaranteed.

Posted by: A Modest Proposal at February 6, 2009 2:32 PM

I'm on board. Can we start the cull in Congress?

Posted by: Daphne at February 6, 2009 3:05 PM

I misread when you said "SS" payments, mein Fuhrer..

Dark, yes, but good, like dark chocolate.

Posted by: Stephen B at February 6, 2009 3:14 PM

I admit to being tired of people ripping off Swift. It's been done so many times, it just grates whenever I see again. Joyce Carol Oates couldn't pull it off either.

You should have thought more about this one.

Posted by: Eric Blair at February 6, 2009 4:06 PM

Cyanide laced viagra would work much better. Not only does it rid us of the perverse aged, it eliminates secondary market scum.

Posted by: Eman at February 6, 2009 4:33 PM

Elegant work, sir.

Not dark enough, sad to say.

We've got ourselves a petulant communist for a president. Never thought I'd write those words, but there you go.

A petulant empty suit whose supporting cast wouldn't make it past an WB pilot pitch.

Posted by: TmjUtah at February 6, 2009 8:56 PM

Yep, duty to die and all that. Unintended consequences of Medicare and all those fanatastic advances in health care. What were they thinking when they started going after the cigarette companies? Or promoting the idea of jogging and exercise.

Being 75, I guess I'm just occupying space that could be used by someone else. But since there's a surplus of housing right now think what a mass kill off of old timers will do to the real estate market. And how about the healthcare industry. Or the reverse mortgage industry. Drat, more unintended consequences.

Personally would prefer the poisoned viagra idea. If I'm going to be a stiff, might as go all the way.

Posted by: Jimmy J. at February 6, 2009 8:57 PM

I was going to say that someone ought to make a movie of this story, but see that cbullitt did that already at February 6, 2009 9:19 AM.

Posted by: azlibertarian at February 7, 2009 5:31 AM

Are you sure this wasn't a guest column by iowahawk?

Posted by: glenn at February 7, 2009 10:22 AM

One of our local talk radio stations has a pretty good money show. Couple of years ago a caller went off on the US for not having universal health care. According to him it just wasn't fair that his elderly parents had to spend their own resources on taking care of themselves in their golden years. The host, possibly sensing an alternate motive for the callers concern, began asking him questions and very skilfully got him to admit that while his parents were both in their 80s' they were in excellent health, travelling, taking cruises, playing golf and generally having a high old time. Then the host got the caller to talk about his own situation, he (the caller) was 53 and had zero assets, no real savings beyond a modest pension, a bunch of maxed out credit cards, a re fied house, proceeds used to buy a new BMW. Classic Boomer behavior. His motivation was pretty obvious even if he tried to disguise it with a lot of bafflegab about how unfair the system was. His parents were spending money he regarded as his and he wanted a stop put to it right NOW! Wish I knew who the caller was, I'd send him your post.

Posted by: glenn at February 7, 2009 10:56 AM

Hmm...instead of Soylent Green, here I was thinking Logan's Run. At least the latter would provide free entertainment, as we all got to sit watching the old folks get blasted out of existence on Carousel. "RENEW! RENEW!" :-)

Posted by: Erbo at February 7, 2009 3:44 PM

Heh, as Glenn Reynolds would say. Think of the benefits: Joe Biden - 66, Harry Reid - 69, Nancy Pelosi - 68, Robert Byrd - 1000, Ted Kennedy - well, he's gonna go soon anyway, but this would save a lot of tax money paying for his medical care, Dianne Feinstein - 75, Barbara Boxer - 68, Barney Frank - 68, Charles Rangel - 78, Patrick Leahy - 68, Carl Levin - 74, John Kerry - 65 Barbra Streisand - 66. The list goes on and on.
Unfortunately there would be some collateral damage to the good guys - George H and Barbara Bush, John McCain, etc. However, everyone has to give a little for the common good.

Posted by: CDR J at February 7, 2009 7:27 PM

Actually while I agree that Gerald has a really good idea I'd like to see it apply just to the Boomers, and after they pop that cap in Pa's ass they should go see their kids. Most of the Child of Boomer types I know are totally useless and we'd all be better off without them. I mean sacrificing your parents and your children, what could make a clearer statement about your committment to the common good?

Posted by: glenn at February 8, 2009 5:24 PM

Logan's Run. Yes. But that premise is a few generations out still, just as the movie suggests if you saw it today. Which you should, in spite of its corniness. Who's that hot chick in the movie? Remember the scene in the ice cave? :)

Posted by: Hannon at February 9, 2009 10:59 AM

Logan's Run. Yes. But that premise is a few generations out still, just as the movie suggests if you saw it today. Which you should, in spite of its corniness. Who's that hot chick in the movie? Remember the scene in the ice cave? :)

Posted by: Hannon at February 9, 2009 10:59 AM

This is great irony because it could be meant seriously. More than one ethicist would defend such a proposal... well at least Pete Singer would.

The thing overlooked is the effect on the boomer's children. Sure for the boomers "it's always been about me." But not for my generation. We've seen "the me" and know there ain't much to it. What would we do with a double-deuce and some rounds after we've put down gramps and gramms...

Posted by: Daniel at February 9, 2009 6:19 PM

Gerard, your satire has unfortunately become more of a prophesy. This morning's Drudge has a link to a Bloomberg article by Betsy McCaughey:
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601039&refer=columnist_mccaughey&sid=aLzfDxfbwhzs.
It details the healthcare "reforms" that will apply "cost-effectiveness" standards to manage away healthcare for seniors.
This is a major reason they don't want to debate the stimulus bill.

Posted by: anna at February 10, 2009 8:22 AM

Time to build the brick ovens --we will send them off faster ---- -sorry gramps but you hy tave gotta go ---by the way where is the keys to the condo ??????????

Posted by: david shelton at February 11, 2009 7:41 PM

Your plan is sound except for the caliber. A .22 caliber bullet is too small to ensure an effective cull rate. Surely the Obamament can afford .38 or .45 caliber, can't they?

Posted by: Doug at February 11, 2009 9:54 PM

Your plan is sound except for the caliber. A .22 caliber bullet is too small to ensure an effective cull rate. Surely the Obamament can afford .38 or .45 caliber, can't they?

Posted by: Doug at February 11, 2009 9:54 PM

Sorry, but cuts must also be made.

Posted by: vanderleun at February 12, 2009 7:01 AM

The beauty of the proposal is in the Sunset Clause.

i.e. applying it only once then repealing it quickly.

That means only those over 65, a decided minority, lose anything - their life - while the great majority, under 65, need not fear it will apply to them.

Or perhaps the government should develop a virus that kills 100% of those who are not vaccinated against it. Then only allow vaccination of those under 65.

There would be no defense because those over 65 could not possibly develop and use their own version of the vaccine quickly enough as the plague swept around the world. Spray the virus from airplanes over every city.

What could go wrong?

Posted by: KTWO at January 16, 2013 7:48 PM

Jenny Agutter was Jessica, the brunette running with Logan (Michael York). Not at all hard to look at. Farrah Fawcett, about the same time she started "Charlie's Angels" and posed for The Poster, played Holly, the receptionist at the New You Shop. And let all the church say "Glorayyyyyyy!!!"

Posted by: Rich Fader at January 16, 2013 8:19 PM

Listen up, youngun'. I'm old. I'm cranky. I never sleep. I'm well armed. I've already dreamed of a couple of dozen ways to take you out without being caught. As I told my daughters' suitors: I've got a shotgun and a shovel, and nobody's going to be looking for you. Don't mess with dangerous old men. Remember Samuel Whittemore, hero of The Revolution

Posted by: twolaneflash at January 16, 2013 8:59 PM

Thats almost a clockwork orange crossed onto soylent green. Lets incorporate the idea and sell it to the oxygen channel. It could follow the all my baby mamas series. Nothing like the new reality.

Posted by: indyjonesouthere at January 18, 2013 1:57 PM

Thats almost a clockwork orange crossed onto soylent green. Lets incorporate the idea and sell it to the oxygen channel. It could follow the all my baby mamas series. Nothing like the new reality.

Posted by: indyjonesouthere at January 18, 2013 1:58 PM