The Declaration of Non-Dependency

Greetings Earthlings!
It has come to our attention that we haven't really been at the top of your Christmas list for some time now. Like some spouse that has become too used to having her good life paid for by a husband's work and sweat, you've decided you "need your space."

And we are here to give it to you. Politely if possible, but with both barrels if necessary. So pay attention.

We gave you a lot during the last 50 years in terms of direct aid -- whole oceans of cash and special privileges -- but we didn't complain. There was the Marshall Plan, the continuing defense of Europe during the Cold War while you just sucked down bon-bons and took long hot showers into the wee hours of the morning with every misfit Muslim, Serb or what-have-you that came your way with "a hand full of gimme and a mouth fill of not-so-much obliged."

Then there were all sorts of loans never paid back, and many billions

and billions more in private charity and donations above and beyond what our government has done for you with our tax money. You were Wimpy and we were Popeye, but our metrosexual white folks liked summering in the countryside and writing hymns to your cultural theme parks so, well, what the hell?

Don't even talk about the costs of maintaining a credible defense all across Europe so you didn't get munched up and shat out with blueberries by the Soviet Bear. (Looking a little testy again is he?)

Alas, none of this was enough for you. Like some teenaged stoner with an unlimited American Express card, you've always needed more. You always had to go for one more deep suck off the bong while flipping us the finger.

Even when your own economies were robust enough to give you the 30 hour work week and the whole month of August off, we still couldn't pony up enough to keep you in beer, skittles, prosciutto, and fromage.

This situation has made us poorer than we would otherwise have been. There are a lot of things here at home we could have spent the money on -- schools, infrastructure, scholarships, lower taxes, aid to dependent children, the kind of local American charities that always need help such as the grossly underfunded "You can send Al Sharpton a ball gag or you can turn the page" Relief Organization. We hope you'll understand when we say we need just a year or so of working the "Charity begins at home" concept in order to catch up.

It's also more than a little depressing to wake up every day and find that the New York Times (The One-World-Except-America voice in America) blathering on and on about how stingy and uncaring Americans are. (As if the Sulzberger family was ready to give up a few billion here and there until it hurt.) Whew, we just can't get no respect from the retarded scions of "One-World" families and the forelock tugging "journalists" who batten off their bloated weal.

Hence, we are taking the a couple of years off not only to save many, many billions of dollars, but for a time of reflection and boosting of the old "self-esteem." After all, you can't help others unless you feel good about yourself.

And let's face it, how can you other nations (Egypt,EU, Africa, South America, Mexico, and all the worthy, struggling and proud totalitarian Islamic states) feel good about yourself when all you do is push your shabby stolen grocery carts around Washington sucking up for a hand-out? We've got our own American Washington suck-ups working overtime as it is.

You need to have a little time to develop some self-reliance. Get that old self-esteem back that only comes with paying for your own defense.

We realize now that in protecting you and the world's markets, and keeping everybody out there from just killing everybody else, we've robbed you of the chance to determine your own destiny. For many of you, your destiny seems to be death, slavery, boredom, buttplugs or some bizarre combination of all four. Hey, we guess you've gotta just go for the gusto.

Therefore, as Americans, we've decided to take a break and bag the world for about two years so you can sort things out without our annoying presence.

Think of it as our sabbatical from your "present difficulties."

Please note that during this time the following policies will prevail:

1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Ramsey Clark and Jimmy Carter to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use them both as you will and don't feel the need to return them when you are done.

2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.

3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We'll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in Mosul, Iraq for their dining and dancing pleasure.)

4) We're going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we'll be running trade on the "one dollar in, one dollar out" basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you'd best have your Visa card out and ready for the American griddle.

5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there's going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans "in the shadows" come out and spend or be bussed back to Nogales, but you can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack. Enjoy.

6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)

7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.

Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, "See the USA in your Chevrolet." (Oh yes, foreign automobiles will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)

8) Oil? We'll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for two years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean. After which we'll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)

But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no. We'll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52's and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out, they will be, we promise you, in a very bad mood. Very bad.

But, hey, it's a free world. Make our day.

9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we'll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.

10) We're sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don't do anything that interrupts our picnics and naps. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, "over-react" and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard. (See below) Learn the inner meaning of our temporary national motto: Noli me tangere.

If that's too much Latin for your little minds, here's an old favorite of ours that's coming back into style:

We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we're founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.

Go get equal. We'll be back.

Hugs,
The United States of America

P.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we're not going to tell you where.), don't get any funny ideas. Play nice.

P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for two years. Be cool.

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Posted by Vanderleun at May 22, 2007 2:38 PM | TrackBack
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