January 2, 2007

Jane's Got Questions. I've Got Answers

Jane of Firedoglake (top)

Jane Hamster @Firedoglake is peeved she's taken seconds when put in a line with Kos of Kos Daily. That's par for the course since Jane's been in a perpetual state of peeve since she caught a dose of BDS and it metastasized into the implants. **

This unfortunate state of affairs has caused Jane no end of existential complications. You've got to expect that when the stamping of her feet and the holding of her breath did not cause George W. Bush to vanish from the planet. Still, Jane's right to ask the questions she does of her quadraphrenic personality and I thought I'd help her out by supplying a few answers she's not likely to get in the raging Hamster-Suckupathon that pass for comments on her daily slog:

What did I do wrong?
It is hard to know where to begin? Was it your decision to start down the birth canal? Perhaps later when you felt compelled to ask, "Daddy, is this the right thing to do?" Later still when you were rejected for Army Ranger training because you just had to ask and tell? It is difficult to know when that wrong turn leading to the long, wrong road was taken, Jane, but know always that -- whenever you are ready -- Jesus is there for you.

Was I not shrill and caustic enough?
No, I am certain this was not the case. For those afflicted by blazing hormones, there is no such thing as beyond infinity shrill and caustic. You have the tiara, Jane, wear it with pride.

Did I not do enough to mock Michelle Malkin and her histrionic halucinations?
No woman in love with an impossible goddess could have done more to mock her love object than you have done, Jane. Just lay back, select a cucumber, and think of England.

Did I not post the requisite number of offensive images?
Here's probably where you lost it, Jane. After that posting of Lieberman in blackface you were clearly the leader in "offensive plantation imagery that I get a pass on because I'm a leftist." But then you weakened, didn't you my little minx? You withdrew it and showed in that craven act that while you may have purchased love from your poodles by duct-taping bacon to your thighs, you are not ready to run with the big dogs.

Sing kumbayah in the comments section too few times?
No, that was a plus, Jane. We've heard you sing and the fact is that the fewer times you sing, the more people there are in the room. Channeling Harpo is your friend here, Jane. Trust me on this one.

Was it the fact that I simply never compared George Bush to Hitler?
Ah, my little toasted crumpet with the full Brazilian, you need to be more honest with yourself. The only reason you didn't is because you knew you couldn't do it and still claim to be the first to have thought of it. Still, console yourself with the fact that comparing Bush to Vlad the Impaler is not only still available, but should also prove to be very exciting to you.

Is it just that my megaphone is not as big as Markos's?
That depends on what the meaning of megaphone is. Should you be thinking of an actual megaphone -- that device that would amplify your shrill and caustic tones to a level that would cause dogs to implode -- nobody's had one of those since the days of Rootie Kazootie. If you are talking about a metaphoric megaphone in which "megaphone" stands for the male organ of generation, be of good cheer. Having one bigger than Markos's is like bragging about a three-inch penis. He's not exactly the Ron Jeremy of the Blogosphere you know. Then again, if by megaphone you are thinking of the buttocks, remain confident that you are bigger than Markos.

Am I not being taken seriously because I am a woman?
Jane, I assure you that if you were indeed a woman you would be taken seriously as one, but you have to remember that in this day and age a brace of poodles and a thinning fright wig is no guarantee of gender. "Fool us once, etc...."

I hope that answers your burning questions, Jane. And better luck next year. Remember that if this leftist blogging thing doesn't work out, you can always go back to film and produce another blot on our culture like your not so recent From Hell (2001). You know, somehow that film's tagline "Evil has a new address..." always makes me think of your page.

** [Note to those that read this far: Please stem your imported ire and reflect that not everybody reads Firedog @ a level of granulation that they know the past and present medical condition of Jane Hamsher. (The link in the post is, I would point out, aimed at a political post, not one in which she discusses her disease.) Without reference to Hamsher's political opinions, I am, regardless of what the many people lobbing their text bombs may prefer to think, distressed that anyone would suffer the plague of breast cancer. I have, therefore, retracted that jibe, but left it visible at the same time, as a reminder that we all make unwarranted assumptions.]

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Posted by Vanderleun at January 2, 2007 4:52 PM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Manuel: "Eees Hamsher, Mr. Fawlty."

Basil: "Manuel, this is a rat."

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at January 2, 2007 6:01 PM

Ah, so sweet. You really DO miss her, don't you?

Posted by: askmom at January 2, 2007 6:27 PM

Tell us how you really feel, Gerard.

Posted by: Eric Blair at January 3, 2007 5:22 AM

You brilliant, nasty, wonderful man. I always thought that about Jane but was afraid to say so on Firedog lake.

Posted by: Chumley at January 3, 2007 8:25 AM

It seems Jane is frustrated at being merely another "ME TOO, LOOK...I CAN DO THIS TOO!" world of anti-American, pro terrorist, anti-civilization bloggers. There is nothing new or original about her. She is frustrated by the fact that she has not yet found her own unique style with which to enlighten us all about the justness and correctness of her point of view. Perhaps adding more bacon to her megaphone would help.

Posted by: gabrielpicasso at January 3, 2007 9:03 AM

Now that is exemplary writing. I applaud you.

Posted by: wankhammer at January 3, 2007 9:24 AM

Extremely amusing.

But it makes me fearful that I might be a misogynistic, quasi-erudite enabler at FiredogLake. But does that make me a pussy? A wimp? A (shudder!) girlie? Especially since I firmly believe that women are both less than men, yet strangely more than a match for myself.

Posted by: MFA at January 3, 2007 10:29 AM

I see that by 'Edited' you mean re-written to make the praise of you more glowing and wonderful than it normally would be.

I love this approach. It makes me sound more sane than I would have thought possible.


Posted by: MFA at January 3, 2007 11:07 AM

That's some funny stuff! Faced with this I have to conclude that Jane Hasher does not indeed have a large penis as I had formerly assumed. Thank's for setting me straight.

Posted by: Milo Johnson at January 3, 2007 11:18 AM

Jane confuses fever dreams for 'a vision'.

Markos, for whatever you think of him, at least has a consistent, if snit-driven, goal.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at January 3, 2007 1:27 PM

Whew. You know that Novocaine-based product you buy for bad sunburns? I just had to spread some on my mind! Now, to wipe the spit off the monitor.

Posted by: Paul A'Barge at January 3, 2007 1:29 PM

Boy, you sure had me in knee-slapping, fallin -out-of-my-chair hysterics! .... Man, you are a master of satire. Hey, how about this: You could make fun of that turncoat xxxx xxxxxx. He's got xxxx and xxx. Which do you think will get him first? ..... Or whose that stupid democraxxx senator who nearly died of a xxxx hemorhage? Wow! He had xxx so bad, look what happened to xxx!

Posted by: R. Mutt at January 3, 2007 2:56 PM

"Was it your decision to start down the birth canal?" I'd like someone, anyone, to explain to me how this was any choice on Jane's part. I could ask you, "were you sad when you learned your fraternal twin brother ran down your mother's inner thigh in that bus stop in Boise?"

[Editor: Actually, it has been shown by science, fuzzfinger - if that indeed be your birth name --- that it is the child, rather than the mother that decides when to get born.]

This one's very telling: "Just lay back, select a cucumber, and think of England." Is that what you do, or what you tell your life partner to do? Really, where does that come from? Why should she think of England? I'm sensing a Freudian vegetable-Thatcher connection here from the author, and frankly, it's creepy.

[Editor: I see here that I am dealing with someone who skipped General Cross-Cultural References 101 in college, or indeed has not been to an institution of higher learning, or who is, indeed, very, well, young. You can, I hint, google the phrase but be sure to enclose it in quotes. No charge for the lesson.]

Posted by: FuzzFinger at January 3, 2007 4:27 PM

Classy. Are you XXXXXX a XXXXX XXXXXXXXX or do you just XXXXX on the internet XXXXX?

Posted by: mitch at January 3, 2007 4:30 PM

Real brave of you to ... out all your ....... comments, by the way. Talk about .... ......

Posted by: mitch at January 3, 2007 4:31 PM

You are an amazing analyst of motivations.

Posted by: DFH at January 3, 2007 4:59 PM

Wow, James Wolcott just tore you an new one.


[Editor: This comment is brought to you by one of Wolcotts even diminishing brigade of clueless trolls. Sigh. The people keep a comin' but the train done gone.]

Posted by: somebody at January 3, 2007 5:33 PM
Did I not do enough to mock Michelle Malkin and her histrionic halucinations?

No woman in love with an impossible goddess could have done more to mock her love object than you have done, Jane. Just lay back, select a cucumber, and think of England.

Christ, that was good!

Posted by: Meow at January 3, 2007 6:34 PM


Posted by: Jsvb at January 3, 2007 7:01 PM

I couldn't agree with you more.

Posted by: coldH2Owi at January 3, 2007 7:10 PM

'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.' - Lincoln, First Inaugural.

Posted by: William Danz at January 3, 2007 7:21 PM

As Tbogg writes: "He's male and single. [Flickr profile]. Go figure..."

Posted by: Lesley at January 3, 2007 9:18 PM

wow, you are really a twisted jerk, aren't you. it's no wonder the right wing in this country is self-destructing. and to think i used to be afraid of them once, long time ago. the trek down that reptilian brain stem sure is easy, isn't it? keep it up, and we can only laugh at you, you poor slob.

Posted by: adhoc at January 3, 2007 10:09 PM

Holy smokes, somebody must have gotten a bag of coal for Christmas.

Hint -- start earlier. The year is young. You have 362 days to make up for this petulant, ill-tempered, humorless rant.

Thanks for a keeper, though ..handy for the next time (approximately in the next 11 seconds) a RWer whines about uncivil we liberals are.

I'll chalk it up to not realizing how awful this was before you let it go but really...

That's one ugly post.

Posted by: GDHB at January 4, 2007 12:09 AM

What does Senator Lamont say about the matter? Has he suggested that Wolcott lose a couple hundred pounds, as well? Has he noted that sluttiness is NOT the way to present one's self, to Ms. Hamsher?

But, no, seriously, does Senator Lamont have anything to say on the matter?

BTW, I'm married, male and 6'5" & 240 lbs, just in case any limp-wristed smartass has anything to say by way of his keyboard (the only way anything like that is said, btw)

Posted by: RW at January 4, 2007 6:08 AM

Very droll, or I'm sure you think it is. For the vast majority of people who can tolerate more than one thought floating in the vasty deep of human discourse, though, I'm afraid it's really so dumb I wonder if you could pour champagne out of a boot.

Posted by: carwinrpc at January 4, 2007 7:23 AM

i am at a loss for words. if you think that you are being witty, you are half right.

Posted by: sphere at January 4, 2007 7:36 AM

looks like meow needs a smoke after his one-handed read-thru.

Posted by: linda at January 4, 2007 8:06 AM

Indeed, and likely to stay so for quite some time, from the look of it...

I suppose we can tick off one more confirmation that irony is totally lost on Right.

Posted by: Rheinhard at January 4, 2007 8:43 AM

Does it exceed the "stupidity limits" to call you stupid and unfunny?

[Almost, but not quite.]

Posted by: Xanthippas at January 4, 2007 9:25 AM

I see you've started to allow actual disagreement [blathering and spewing and ranting] to appear in your [yes mine] comments on this [wonderful] post, instead of re-writing [improving] them to suit your ego [ceaseless thirst for standards and civility].

There may be hope for you yet. [Live in hope, die in despair.]

Posted by: MFA at January 4, 2007 12:11 PM

I agree that Michele Malkin is stunningly beautiful. Is this what you mean by "impossible goddess" -- it's impossible she could be one? Or do you mean "unattainable" -- unattainable for whom? Me? The Godmonkey thinks nothing is beyond my reach.

Posted by: Godmonkey at January 4, 2007 12:15 PM

Wow! 2007 has barely begun, and already you've staked a solid claim to both the BlogOscars for Insight, and the Nobel Peace Prize.

You go, boy!

[Thanks, ivor. High praise from someone such as yourself.]

Posted by: Ivor the Engine Driver at January 4, 2007 1:01 PM

Um, she's joking.

Also, to the person who said they were afraid to say this on FDL---what? Afraid? Why? The worst things that can happen are:
1. Your post gets deleted (dunno if FDL does that).
2. You get a lot of people disagreeing with you, potentially using bad words.

That's about it. Am I missing one? I don't think Hamsher's going to post your address and phone number on her blog and repost them after you notify her you've started getting death threats (a la Michelle Malkin).

Yeah, a deleted post and negative comments. Pretty gratifying.

Posted by: JoshA at January 4, 2007 2:00 PM

When will these america-haters understand? The US is infallible.

Posted by: John Croner at January 4, 2007 3:21 PM

Is this supposed to be an example of right wing "civility"?

[With or without the quotes?]

Posted by: sarah at January 4, 2007 3:31 PM

I love Jane, Wolcott kicks ass, and Kos is the most!

And you? Even more than the three rocket scientists above. You are better than all three combined.

Thanks for the larf male and single though you're probably not aware of your full comic potential. I say that because I am the great Lance Thruster and thrust my lance whenever even a tree holds still.

You're like a prop comic but without the props or the comedy. Did I really just right that? Oh well, never mind. The codeine kicked in when I wasn't looking.

Posted by: LanceThruster at January 4, 2007 4:22 PM
[Editor: I see here that I am dealing with someone who skipped General Cross-Cultural References 101 in college, or indeed has not been to an institution of higher learning, or who is, indeed, very, well, young. You can, I hint, google the phrase but be sure to enclose it in quotes. No charge for the lesson.]

You know, before you mock someone for missing an allusion you should really make sure that you yourself are using it correctly. One lies back and thinks of England when enduring a sex act one has no interest in but which one is duty bound to perform. Your use of the phrase in the context of masturbating whilst fantasizing about someone you find attractive makes absolutely no sense.

[ceaseless thirst for standards and civility]

What definition of civility encompasses mocking people for having life-threatening diseases and joking that they engage in bestiality?

[You have clearly been spending far too much time on alt.sex.sheep. Try to get out more.]

Posted by: Sophist at January 4, 2007 5:11 PM

Exceptional. Funny, too. Actually -- exceptionally funny.

Posted by: Gullspirit at January 4, 2007 5:37 PM

Your jokes about that woman are really surprisingly astute. They are more true than funny. I don't know why these other commenters like them so much.

You seem to have a deep admiration for, and anger at, Hamsterr. Perhaps that is also a deep love of leftists in general. I'm not sure why you choose to air this love and affection on the internet, but hey- your choice.

Posted by: atheist at January 5, 2007 4:06 AM

I, the Lance Thruster, am hanging on the comment port of your fabulous site and refreshing the screen like a frothing Hamster. I must protest and in my protest I should like you to consider these deeply thought-out sentiments ---

Won't put up my response, eh coward? Yes, you are you scaredy guy. And I know one when I see one ever since I started sitting down to pee.

You however are not alone. The other sites that have refused my blather are few in number but they exist and I know since that is really all I do with the few hours I have left on the planet.

The only sites (no matter how vile otherwise) that I've ever run across that actually change the comments from what was actually written were Wolcotts, Hamsters, Jewliscious.com, and the fabulous duo at something called Schmaltz and Greiben, which is about -- I think -- chicken fat and sausage and is my favorite site. Ever.

The fact that Pamela at Atlus Shugs thinks you actually bested Mr. Wolcott is good enough for me. She is one of many bloggers who ban comments from those who blather and spew but at least she improved my thoughts and my prose. (I do know for a fact that she does have shills commenting on her site because the most authoritative voice in my head said so).

[Thanks, Lance THRUSTER. All part of the service. No charge.]

Posted by: LanceThruster at January 5, 2007 12:07 PM

"Just lay back, select a cucumber, and think of England."
Do any of you people know the difference between "lay" and "lie"? Oh, right, I forgot: you speak American, not English.

Posted by: mijnheer at January 5, 2007 11:13 PM

Sophist wrote, "Your use of the phrase in the context of masturbating whilst fantasizing about someone you find attractive makes absolutely no sense."

The assumed name isn't hiding anything. From the posting style it's just too easy to tell who it really is. You might as well post under your own name, Spock.

Posted by: Jim C. at January 7, 2007 12:24 AM

I believe Hamsher is threatened by women of superior intelligence.? She also has a great big crush on George Bush! That's sweet. I can imagine life is a real joy for Mr, Hamsher - if, indeed, it's plausible that there even is one.

After you delete this, you'll find it over at Jane's site. Hamster. Ow. My stomach hurts. I need some fiber.

Posted by: Mark Wade Stone at January 7, 2007 7:07 AM

Oooo... This is the best thing I have read in years.

Posted by: ALL is Vanity at January 7, 2007 12:28 PM

Mean people suck.

Obviously a very nasty, mean person.

Ergo, you suck.

(Though, to be fair, obviously this is true of 97% of the wankosphere)

Posted by: johng at January 7, 2007 7:05 PM

On a positive note, the odds of this author actually reproducing is in direct inverse proportion to the odds of him laughing at his own jokes.

[Wrong again.]

Posted by: Thumb at January 8, 2007 7:12 AM

Wow. I've never had my comments changed by the host, than passed off as my comments. ...brave... I'm so in awe...

Posted by: Mark Wade Stone at January 8, 2007 8:10 PM

Your rhetoric is so powerful that I'm convinced that this is exactly how Jesus would tell his enemies to go masturbate with a cucumber.

Posted by: Ducky at January 9, 2007 9:00 AM

It is impossible to believe that so few people here have criticized you for using Jane's breast cancer as a punchline.

Since you blanked my entire previous message, and since you seem like a coward in general, I bet you're blanking a *lot* of stuff that says you went too far. Real big man.

Posted by: TTT at January 9, 2007 9:01 AM

very ugly, like bad porn and a man who obviously spent too much time at home in the dark.

Posted by: yoyo at January 18, 2007 3:47 PM

Dear Angry and Thoughtless Typists,
I appreciate how good the blathering keystrokes you are pumping into the comment bar under orders from your master must feel. Please continue to please yourselves. Dilute at will.

That you seem to refuse to ask yourself a key question concerning the root of your feigned outrage is interesting, but not surprising.

I'd urge you to try and use a little, just a little, analytical thinking in this regard, to ask yourself that one key question, but I recognize that this is therapy for you and makes you that much less dangerous to your family, friends, and local community. Carry on.

Play nice and reflect that we all make unwarranted assumptions. Yes, even you,

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at January 20, 2007 9:40 AM