Final Fears Confirmed: Being a Brief Summary of the 2005 High Crimes and Misdemeanors of the Great and Powerful Bush. It's not only worse than you imagine, it's worse than you can imagine.
January 20 - George W. Bush is inaugurated in Washington, D.C. for his second term as 43rd President of the United States, and immediately begins sucking down one to two bottles of wine a night in order to tool up for a year of using his new Godlike superpowers to, dare I say it?, rule the world.
January 25 - Warming up his vast telekinetic powers, Bush, like Mandrake the Magician, gestures mystically at the globe in the White House war room causing a stampede at Mandher Devi temple in Mandhradevi during a religious pilgrimage in India that kills at least 215, mostly women and small children. While doing so he sips a superb Pinot Noir and consumes an entire tin of Altoids to keep his wife in the dark about his comfortable return to his own private alcoholism. "I just can't keep going out to the White House garage after dark," he reflects.
January 30 - After making sure that the fix is in with millions of Iraqis in the form of free Happy Meal coupons, Bush allows the first free Parliamentary elections in Iraq since 1958 take place. To stain the fingers of the electorate purple, Bush orders Francis Ford Coppola to dump thousands of gallons of substandard Merlot in that desert vastness.
February 6 -In a cynical move to prepare the United States to accept an eternal extension of the Patriot Act, Bush causes the New England Patriots to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 24-21 in the Super Bowl. As his co-wizard-in-waiting, Karl Rove rubs his hands chortling, "This year the people will think anything with the word 'patriot' in it is a winnah."
February 16 - Reflecting that hockey is not only a native sport of Texas but is boring to boot, Bush calls in some markers and makes the National Hockey League cancel its 2004-2005 season. "Who cares," he mumbles while tossing back his sixth 'Wine in a Can,' "it's just more panty-waist figure skating with clubs."
February 22 - Rove and Bush descend in a secret elevator to a vast cavern deep beneath the White House and warm up the G.H.W.B (Global Heavy Whacking Blaster ) to send Iran a message. More than 500 people are killed and over 1,000 injured after entire villages are flattened in an earthquake measuring 6.4 on the Richter scale in Zarand region of Kerman province in southern Iran.
March 14 - Bush sends Condi Rice on a secret mission to the middle east where she hands out coupons for Haliburton's 2004 Cabernet Wine in a Box to the adult population of Lebanon. As a result nearly one million people gather for an opposition rally in Beirut, a month after the death of former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri -- the largest rally in Lebanon history-- and party on.
March 20 - Working through a software glitch in the G.H.W.B (Global Heavy Whacking Blaster ) deep beneath the White House Wine Cellar, Bush and his evil sidekick Karl let it rip and at least 250 people in Japan are injured and at least one killed by when a magnitude 7 earthquake strikes west of Kyushu Island, just 9km (5.5 miles) below the ocean floor. Afterwards Bush text messages the Prime Minister of Japan the message "Cool it with the hybrids, OK?"
March 23 - Fearing even the ghost of a chance of the revelation of a youthful indiscretion, Bush orders the United States' 11th Circuit Court of Appeals to refuse to order the reinsertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube. The order comes in a sealed envelope containing Polaroids of the entire 11th Circuit during a naughty weekend at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch along with the ominous message, "There were webcams."
April 2 - Tired of being hectored to be a better man by, as he puts it after his nightly two bottles of wine "That fat old Polack," Bush authorizes a Happy Meal laced with ricin for Pope John Paul II,
April 6 - Recalling a slight during a secret sexy wifeless weekend in Monaco, Bush overnights another Happy Meal to Rainier III of Monaco with predictable results when the Prince exclaims, "What? No apple pie? Oh well."
April 9 - To underscore his public opposition to pregnancy out of wedlock anywhere in the world, Bush forces the royal shotgun wedding of The Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles. They promise to name their issue, regardless of sex, 'George' as a testimonial to the godlike powers of Bush and not the insane king of England.
April 19 - Bush slips magic chemicals making white smoke into the Vatican to assure his old drinking buddy Joseph Ratzinger is elected Pope Benedict XVI on the second day of the Papal conclave.
May 10 - Proving once again that his unwavering attention to a fundamentalist Christian faith is paying big dividends a live hand grenade lands about 100 feet Bush while he is giving a speech to a crowd in Tbilisi, Georgia, but malfunctions and does not detonate. "Somebody up there needs me," he quips.
May 13 - In a rage at not being able to find any station that is not doing Star Trek reruns, Bush signs Secret Presidential Directive #666 and the final episode of the TV series Star Trek: Enterprise is broadcast in the United States.
May 31 - In order to keep the lead Washington Post parasite from making "one more red cent off that flea-bitten story," Bush orders the NSA to leak the news that W. Mark Felt was Deep Throat thus costing Bob Woodward numerous book sales.
June 13 - So that the singer can enjoy the Middle East boy olympics and nude gymnastic exhibitions of 2005, Bush operatives intimidate the jury into acquitting Michael Jackson of all charges of harming children. When Karl Rove tells him the news, Bush raises his head off the Lincoln Bedroom wine bar and sings, "And the beat off goes on..."
June 23 - Seeing that the Bush Dynasty's stock in General Motors has gone into free fall, Bush arranges for The San Antonio Spurs win the NBA World Championship title from the Detroit Pistons.
July 6 - The International Olympic Committee awards the 2012 Summer Olympics to London thereby dissing the bid of Crawford Texas. This can only mean one thing.
July 7 - Bush redeploys 30 operatives to England from their important work of giving hot lead enemas to innocent
Arabs in the secret torture chamber below the White House dining room. Immediately after their arrival in sub-orbital black helicopters, four explosions rock the transport network in London, three on the London Underground and one on a bus. Over 50 deaths were reported, and over 200 injured. The Queen immediately promises to send Charles and Camilla to dinner.
July 13 - Since Pakistan is again dragging its sandals on whacking the odd terrorist now and again, Bush and Rove descend into the secret White House model train room and, taking over the global controls of the Pakistan rail system cause three trains collide in Ghotki, Pakistan, killing over 150 people.
July 19 - President Bush nominates Appeals Court Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. to the United States Supreme Court, following the retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor. He signs his nomination with a wild flourish and writes a PS that says, "Neener, neener, neener!"
July 24 - Bush shares his secret stash of medicinal LSD laced cocaine with Lance Armstrong allowing Lance to win a record seventh straight Tours de France. His congratulatory message attached to a golden straw from Tiffany's reads, "Us bikers gotta stick together against the frogs, right?"
August 17 - To further the BushRovian plan for global domination and the "final solution to the Palestinian problem," Bush okays the first forced evacuation of settlers from Gaza, as part of the Israel unilateral disengagement plan, starts. "This way," he notes, "we'll have all the Palestinians in one place and we'll save on ordinance."
August 29 - It's the dog days of summer and George W. Bush, Master of the Known Universe, is bored, bored, bored. But as a "functioning if secret alcoholic" he has his resources. Descending again to "a vast cavern deep beneath the White House" he downs a slop bucket of some Big California Red and warms up the G.W.B. (Global Weather Bonker) to send people of color a message. At least 1,383 are killed, and severe damage is caused along the U.S. Gulf Coast, as Hurricane Katrina strikes the Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama coastal areas. Within hours, levees give way and New Orleans is flooded. Bush later drives Air Force One over the area while Laura tells him, "It really is one of your better bits of concept art."
September 26 - U.S. army reservist Lynndie England is convicted by a military jury on six of seven counts in connection with the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal. She escapes "death by paper shredder" after telling Karl Rove the location of the video tape of him, George Bush, and Pamela Anderson making naked human pyramids in the prison during their sneaky Thanksgiving day visit to the troops.
September 28 - After refusing to share an especially tasty case of Pinot Noir with Bush, Tom DeLay is indicted on charges of criminal conspiracy by a Texas grand jury.
October 4 - After a three bottle night and a spat with Laura, Bush pushes the big red button on the Global Weather Bonker yet again and Hurricane Stan hits Mexico and Central America killing over 1,153 people. "Who says I can't control illegal immigration?" he asks a picture of Howard Dean in a fright wig.
October 8 - An earthquake in Kashmir kills about 80,000 people. Coincidence? We don't think so.
October 19 - After months of denying him clean underwear under Secret Presidential Directive 911, Bush allows the Trials of Saddam Hussein begin. "Just so long as it doesn't cut into Desperate Housewives," he instructs Karl Rove.
October 27 - Two teenagers are deliberately electrocuted by Condi Rice in Seine-Saint-Denis, Paris, France, leading to widespread rioting. "Why?" says Bush. "Because I can. They were Arab and in France. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Where's that corkscrew?"
October 28 - Vice presidential adviser Lewis "Scooter" Libby takes one for the team. Bush tells him, "Hey Scooter, somebody's got to go or they'll think we, dare I say, actually do rule the world."
November 21 - Bush sends Ted Koppel a whole salmon from Pike's market in Seattle wrapped in the OpEd page of the New York Times.
November 22 - Ted Koppel steps down as host of Nightline after 25 years with the program.
November 23 - Superstar celebrities Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, whom made a career based on their show Newlyweds, separate after 3 years of marriage. Black helicopters immediately flies Jessica Simpson to an undisclosed love shack on the Crawford Ranch where she's forced to don a skimpy little Nazi costume for the duration of Karl Rove's vacation.
November 30 - Under threat of death by CIA operatives surgeons in France carry out the first human face transplant. "If Jeb can look like me by 2008," Bush remarks, "Dad will be very pleased and the people will be comforted."
December 6 - After listening to Iran's new president go mental on a global scale, Bush orders that an Iranian C-130 Hercules airplane crash into a ten-story building in a civilian area of Tehran, the capital of Iran, killing all 94 people aboard and 34 residents of the building - a total of 128 people. The building holds the Iranian President's personal collection of young boys hand selected by Michael Jackson. Hilarity ensues in the White House war room.
December 12 - Scientists announce that they have created mice with small amounts of human brain cells in an effort to make realistic models of neurological disorders. Bush orders the scientists killed and all the mice and records destroyed out of the fear the technique will be used to make more Democrats. "Don't tell me it can't be done," he rants. "You ever talked to Nancy Pelosi?"
December 23 - U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announces the first in an expected series of troop drawdowns following Iraqi elections. "As the President himself instructed me," Rumsfeld said, "You put the right troops in. You take the wrong troops out. You put the big nukes in and you shake and bake 'em all about...."
December 26 - After being a faithful reader of American Digest for years, Bush alerts AD author Gerard Van der Leun on Van der Leun's birthday that he's been short-listed for the vice-presidential slot early in 2006 when Dick Cheney is taken away to an undisclosed coronary event. Her begins the call with the phrase, "I'm going to make you an offer.... Hey, Jena honey, bring me that stein of wine on the credenza will ya?"
With sincere apologies to 2005 @ WikipediaPosted by Vanderleun at December 29, 2005 10:52 AM | TrackBack