February 14, 2005

Guantanamo Shut Down. Prisoners Moved to Neverland.

IN A HASTILY CONVENED NEWS CONFERENCE this morning, President George W. Bush announced that the Prisoner of War Camp at Guantanamo, Cuba, had been closed last night and all its prisoners transferred by Executive Order via the private Gulfstream fleets of George Soros and Amnesty International to Neverland Ranch in California.

"Upon being found not-guilty of playing too rough with his boy-toys," the President remarked, "Mr. Jackson telephoned me from his Suburban and offered to take some of my younger Arab prisoners off my hands.

"Using the congressional negotiating skills which my administration has become known for, I immediately caved in to his request and offered up every single one of my 520 fat and happy Arab boys to his tender mercies. To me this is the very best example of the private sector stepping in to do the job that big government cannot do for itself.

"Mr. Jackson, in making this offer so quickly after his recent crucifixion, shows once again that he is not only a great American, but an even great lover of humanity, especially when they are young, cute, male, far-from home, and have gone a long, long time without the kind of hands-on treatment that excitable boys really need.

"You'll all get a hand-out describing the improved conditions the prisoners will have at Neverland, with special attention to their 'Kids-Ride-Free' pass, special urine resistant Korans, fresh white jockey shorts, and Mr. Jackson's plans to build a half-scale reproduction of Mecca's Haram Mosque and the well of Zamzam right next to the ferris wheel for mini-hajs on the part of his new friends. I'll now take questions, but only those dealing with Social Security."

The President's announcement revealed the reason behind the many Gulfstream jets
that had been seen landing throughout the night on Neverland's private air-strip. While they were first believed to be bringing the various parts of Elizabeth Taylor, that did not explain the bizarre Arabic keening and yelping that had been heard soon after. Spokesmen later revealed that the sounds were 'natural byproducts of our ranch training rituals' as the Guantanamo 520 were being moved from the planes to their private pool-side cabanas.

A Black Muslim spokesman for Mr. Jackson revealed that, during the week in which the Jackson jury was collecting free tuna-fish sandwiches and Fritos from the state of California, Mr. Jackson had indeed converted from Jesus-juice to the Muslim faith.

"We thank Allah," said Kareem Abdul Gefilte (Nee, George Washington Jackson of Mobile, Alabama), "that He gathered Michael to His bosom just after Michael prayed, Dear God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah -- whomever comes first -- just get me out of this and I'll take in any homeless boys you've got. Promise. Michael has agreed to legally change the name of Neverland to Meccaland and to swap out the Jesus Juice for Allah's Ambrosia."

Speaking through an interpreter whose voice was pitched several octaves lower so that it could be heard by human ears, Mr. Jackson appeared at briefly before his supporters at the gates of Never/Mecca/land flanked by two lithe if confused looking Arab boys grasping Tikilounge glasses with colorful paper umbrellas in which ice and a clear fluid could be seen.

"You are so beautiful," Jackson said. "And I am so beautiful. And aren't my new friends here the most beautiful you've ever seen? I want to thank everyone who has given me the support and the love and these 520 young boys in such fine, healthy, and well-fed shape. I'm sorry that they all had to sleep alone in those dreadful cages for so long, but that's all over now, isn't it? Yes, our long national Guantanamo nightmare is over, and its time for the free rides and late night videos at Neverland to start all over again. I want to send a shout-out to my new Muslim brothers all over the world and say,
'Give me your tired, your poor,
Your unemployed but buff boys yearning to ride free,
The broken-in boy refuse of your teeming jihad,
Send these, the easily-influenced, suicidal, to me,
I lift my sheets beside the Carousel.'

In other news the offices of Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Kennedy announced they had accepted Mr. Jackson's invitation to a banquet and a series of "Victory Laps" at Neverland this coming weekend.

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Posted by Vanderleun at February 14, 2005 7:58 AM | TrackBack
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AMERICAN DIGEST HOME
"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Now that I've recovered from a coffee sinus clearing.... just damn!

Brilliant, and would be even funnier if it wasn't so damn close to the truth.


Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at June 14, 2005 8:25 AM

LOL, that would really drive the detainees nuts, wouldn't it? Talk about culture clash...

Posted by: Patricia at June 14, 2005 12:12 PM

You're going straight to Hell for writing that. And I'm going there with you for reading it, laughing at it, and passing it on.

Posted by: slimedog at June 14, 2005 12:48 PM

definitely a passer-onner...

When I expressed concern about how MJ might fare in prison, being he is of a delicate nature, my son snorted and reminded me that he didn't have those Black Muslim bodyguards for naught. He'd have been safer in jail than he is even in Neverland...

Michael Jackson is Peter Pan! With the emphasis on his first name, please.

Posted by: dymphna at June 14, 2005 1:01 PM

Best thing I've read in a long time.

Posted by: Xixi at June 14, 2005 3:36 PM

wicked , hilarious coffee spewing. I give 5 stars

Posted by: gordon westergard at June 15, 2005 3:23 AM

wicked indeed....I'm still laughing and shaking my head. You are incorrigble.

Posted by: hula lulu at June 15, 2005 8:02 PM
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