July 13, 2003

The Sunday New York Times Lite

"We scan it so you don't have to."

Let's face it. You've got better things to do with a summer Sunday than wade through this hulking block of over-thought, over-wrought, over-written, and over-weight newsprint. Take a quick look here and you'll know all you need to know about this Sunday's massive emission from 43rd street.

Front Page:

Iraq Takes First Steps Towards Self-Government.
Times slightly befuddled.

U.S. Military Kills 4 in New Push Against Iraqi Resistance
Times feels that enough is enough.

Gates Aims Billions to Attack Illnesses of World's Neediest
Times still mildly peeved that Windows still sucks.

Opinions and Editorials

Maureen Dowd

The usual spew from the Times' Tower of Babble. This week she's stamping her Prada shod little foot and demanding that Bush "assuage" our doubts. Hey, Maureen, pack a Slim Jim in case you get hungry waiting for that.

Paul Bremer
The Road Ahead in Iraq and How to Navigate It
Bremer delivers himself of predicable and highly vetted propaganda while stealing the title from Bill Gates is an obvious suck-up for a job at Microsoft when this is all over.

Editorial One
The mighty Times thunders forth about the dangers of keeping exotic pets and slaps the wrists of those who do for risking teeth, claws and Monkeypox.

Editorial Two
The mighty Times thunders forth and slaps the wrist of the Italian Prime Minister for daring to tell the truth when he said a German politician " would be good in the film role of a Nazi concentration camp guard." The Times thinks this cuts in on the Time's turf where truth is always carefully vetted before being printed.

Editorial Three
The Times is worried about the admissions rituals at Yale. This can only mean that the child of a member of the Editorial board did not make the cut.

Extra Special Op-Ed
More mush from the wimp as Jimmy Carter runs his endless cornpone mouth on what should and should not be done in Africa, with, of course the obligatory "when I did this as President" riff. The first two paragraphs of this "contribution' has reportedly induced coma among more than 4,000 readers in ten eastern states.

Last, and as always, Least:
Not to be outdone in the blather wars, the Michael Moore look-alike Frank Rich weighs in with "Ground Zero or Bust." (Gotta love the snap of that headline.)

In this stem-winder, Rich makes the observation that the rebuilding of Ground Zero is going to be a long, long New York minute. What? A New York fornication festival over Ground Zero? Who saw that coming?

Rich then veers into a semi-coherent review a new film on September 11 before his heavily-medicated hate of George Bush brings him around to a standard Richian close: "Maybe so, but the artist's vision is of New York 3021, a millennium from now. In 2003 the soaring towers of "New Manhattan City" look all too chillingly like targets for terrorists. They are, you might say, the aesthetic correlative of the president's recent taunt to those shadowy forces attacking American troops in Iraq: 'Bring 'em on.' "

Good to see Rich is still boxing his weight with the midgets.


The Week in Review:

Europe back to Normal, whatever that is.
California is full of crazy people who think they can change the world unlike the news and editorial areas of the New York Times.
The United States is doing different things in Iraq and Afghanistan. Surprise, surprise.
The US is trying to kill Saddam Hussein and this is a new thing for America. Tom Powers isn't sure it is a good thing.
Some fretting about the state of American Backpacks.
Politicians are sacrificing ideology for expediency. Another shocker.
America has made mistakes in Liberia in the past. Who knew?
The past of slavery has been either paved over or forgotten. Right. Next.
The subhead for an item on James Bond actually uses both "Ubermensch" and "Psychosexual Fetish " leading one to think it is a stealth profile of the Times' publisher. A swipe at the latest MSNBC boner in hiring Michael Savage.
A burning question over Dylan's plagiarism of an obscure scholar is raised and snuffed. The oh-so-hip "Buzzwords" item sounds five tones of despair over Iraq.

New York Times Sunday Magazine:

Speed limits, yes or no?
Surfer Kelly Slater spews.
Babe shot of Ludivine Sagnier disguised as profile.
The revolting ethicist Randy Cohen takes on bird feeders.
Bill Safire discuss how "domestic diva" outdoes "home-decorating queen" when it comes to a "bogus title" for Martha Stewart.
Article: There's famine in Africa and, as usual, nobody can do anything about it.
Article: There are Iranian women who ignore their husbands, stop having sex and set themselves on fire.
Article; In China it is dangerous to work in a coal mine.
Article: No matter how discredited he becomes someone somewhere will always be putting out a new edition of the works of Sigmund Freud.
Fashion: "Proportion? Silhouette? Scale? Don't fret. Memorize these words: ''cropped,'' ''tight,'' ''slim,'' ''long,'' ''short."
Food: Jason Epstein on slow shellfish poisoning through deep frying.
Letters: If you run an article on capitol punishment, will people send you letters? The answer this week is 'Yes."

That's it. You're done. We've just given you an extra six hours in your Sunday. Use them well.

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